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BarelyAdventist | Adventist satire and humor - Cheezy
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Adventist Woman Accidentally Volunteers to Lead Her Own Baby Shower After Habitual ‘Yes’ Reflex Kicks In | Barely Adventist
Rachel Yeswuman, inadvertently volunteered to organize and lead her own baby shower. The incident occurred during last week’s women’s ministry meeting, where Rachel’s notorious inability to declin…
Study Finds Inverse Correlation Between Adventists’ Jewelry Avoidance and Watch Extravagance | Barely Adventist
In a groundbreaking study that has sent shockwaves through the Adventist community, researchers at Loma Linda University have uncovered a startling inverse correlation between Adventists’ ad…
Trump Dons High-Vis Vest, Vows to ‘Clean Up Tremendous Piles of Great Controversy Books’ From American Cities” | Barely Adventist
In a dramatic campaign appearance that left Adventist leaders scrambling for response, former President Donald Trump appeared at a Wisconsin rally wearing a fluorescent safety vest and promised to…
Andrews’ New Automated Student Life Bot Programmed to Say ‘Just Pray About It’ to All Concerns | Barely Adventist
In a groundbreaking move to modernize student services while cutting costs, Andrews University has unveiled PRAYR-3000, an artificial intelligence chatbot programmed to handle all student life con…
Man Who Accidentally Ate Meat on Friday Night Claims He Can Feel His Name Being Erased from Book of Life | Barely Adventist
In a dramatic turn of events at the Collegedale Corners Adventist Church, local member Brad Thompson claims he can physically feel his name being removed from the Book of Life after accidentally c…
Church Organist Prepares Special Rendition of ‘We Have This Hope’ for Election Night | Barely Adventist
Martha Pederson, long-time organist at the Echoville First Seventh-day Adventist Church, has announced her plans to perform a groundbreaking arrangement of “We Have This Hope” that she claims will…
Pastor Considering Eliminating Sermon Altogether Since Worship Leader Just Repeats Everything Anyway – BarelyAdventist
Follow me COLLEGEDALE, Tenn. — Pastor Jed Dumas of Berbose Community Adventist Church is seriously considering eliminating his weekly sermon altogether, citing the fact that his worship leader, Wes Crosby, just repeats and summarizes everything he says anyway. “I pour my heart and soul into these sermons, crafting them with …
Adventist Runner Disqualified from Marathon for Refusing to Pin on Number, Citing Leviticus – BarelyAdventist
Follow me BOSTON, Mass. — An Adventist runner was disqualified from the Boston Marathon this year after refusing to pin his race bib to his shirt, citing the book of Leviticus. Silas Goodwin, a 42-year-old accountant and longtime runner, had qualified for the prestigious race but ran into trouble when …
Adventist Baby’s First Words: “Happy Sabbath!” – BarelyAdventist
Follow me LOMA LINDA, Calif. — In a stunning display of spiritual precocity, 6-month-old Jedediah Remnant stunned his parents and pediatrician by uttering the words “Happy Sabbath!” as his very first words. The auspicious occasion occurred last Saturday morning as little Jedediah’s parents, Ezekiel and Prudence Remnant, were dressing him …
Conspiracy Theorist Claims Illuminati Created Oreos to Undermine Adventist Health Message – BarelyAdventist
Follow me Sawtooth, Tenn. – Conspiracy theorist and self-proclaimed health message expert Soy Lent claims to have uncovered a secret plot by the Illuminati to undermine the Adventist health message through the creation and mass distribution of Oreo cookies. “Wake up, sheeple!” exclaimed Lent during a 3-hour YouTube live stream …
Study Reveals Favorite Adventist Hymn is Closing Hymn – BarelyAdventist
Follow me A new study has revealed the favorite hymn among Seventh-day Adventists is whichever one happens to be the closing hymn that Sabbath. Researchers surveyed thousands of Adventists across the globe, asking them to name their most beloved hymn. While responses included classics like “Amazing Grace,” “We Have This …
Local Adventist Claims Vegetarian Diet Produces ‘Holier Emissions’ – BarelyAdventist
Follow me Local Adventist health enthusiast, Gus Beanz, has declared that his vegetarian diet produces what he calls “holier emissions.” “It’s simple really,” Beanz explained, barely containing his excitement. “If we’re supposed to be temples of the Holy Spirit, then everything that comes out of us should be holy too, …
Adventist Vacationers Spend Entire Trip Trying to Convert Hotel Staff – BarelyAdventist
Follow me Myrtle Beach, S.C. – Local Adventist couple Bob and Mildred Harrington recently returned from what they called a “mission trip” to a beachfront resort hotel. However, hotel staff report that the couple spent the bulk of their 10-day stay attempting to convert employees to Adventism. “Every time I …
Loma Linda Researchers Discover Carob is Still Disgusting – BarelyAdventist
Follow me LOMA LINDA, Calif. — Researchers at Loma Linda University have officially confirmed that carob remains about as appetizing as chewing on cardboard, despite its much-touted health benefits. Carob, the bane of many an Adventist child’s existence, has long been pushed as a nutritious chocolate alternative. Boasting a fiber …
Adventist Dog Prays Before Meals, Refuses to Fetch on Sabbath – BarelyAdventist
Follow me SILVER SPRING, Md. — An Adventist family’s dog named Samson has developed some unique habits. The Johnson family of Silver Spring first noticed something was up when Samson began to sit quietly with bowed head before eating his food. “At first we thought he was just sniffing the …
GC Nominating Committee Suggesting More Candidates for US Presidency – BarelyAdventist
Follow me The General Conference Nominating Committee announced today that they are putting forth additional Adventist candidates for the 2024 US presidential race. “After the runaway success of Dr. Ben Carson’s 2016 campaign, we figured why stop there?” said a spokesperson. “America is clearly in need of an Adventist in …
Marriage On Rocks Due to Clashing Sabbath Dishwashing Beliefs – BarelyAdventist
Follow me It all began innocently enough when both Sam and Lily Thompson stumbled into their kitchen and found themselves knee-deep in a festive seven-layered mess of plates and forks left behind by church friends who had all happily escaped after Sabbath potluck. Sam exclaimed, “I always thought that washing …
GC Bans Chocolate with Coffee or Alcohol, Sends Inspectors to Adventist Homes – BarelyAdventist
Follow me Silver Spring, Md. – The General Conference has announced a ban on all chocolate products containing coffee or alcohol, effective immediately. To enforce the new policy, the GC has hired a team of inspectors to conduct impromptu visits to Adventist homes and offices worldwide. “We must remain vigilant …
Advent-Lift Ride-Sharing App, Promises to Get You to Church on Time (or Your Tithe Back!) – BarelyAdventist
Follow me SILVER SPRING, Md. — Tired of showing up late to Sabbath School because you refused to start your car on holy time? Fear not, weary Adventist traveler – the General Conference has you covered with their new ride-sharing app, “Advent-Lift.” This Uber-inspired innovation promises to shuttle you to …
Local Adventist Invokes “Ox in the Ditch” Loophole to Work on Beating Video Game Level – BarelyAdventist
Follow me LOMA LINDA, Calif. — Local Adventist gamer Landon Reese invoked the rarely used “ox in the ditch” clause this past Sabbath to continue working on beating a particularly difficult video game level. The theological loophole, based on a statement Jesus made about rescuing an animal that falls into …
Adventist Pastor’s Attempt to Emulate Hulk Hogan’s RNC Shirt-Rip During Sermon Goes Horribly Wrong – BarelyAdventist
Follow me In a misguided attempt to connect with younger churchgoers, Pastor Brock “The Rock” Johnson of Tumbleweed Seventh-day Adventist Church found himself in a precarious situation after trying to emulate Hulk Hogan’s infamous shirt-ripping incident from the 2024 Republican National Convention. During his sermon entitled “Ripping Away the Sins …
Adventist Universities Must Now Teach Evolution (of GC Authority) – BarelyAdventist
Follow me Silver Spring, Md. – In a stunning reversal of long-standing policy, the General Conference of Seventh-day Adventists has announced that Adventist universities and colleges may now teach about evolution, but only as it pertains to the ever-expanding authority of the GC. “We realize that we’ve been a bit …
Church Attracts Standing Room Only Crowd After Installing Phone Chargers in Pews – BarelyAdventist
Follow me In a groundbreaking move that has sent shockwaves through the Adventist community, the First Seventh-day Adventist Church of Chargewell has reported record-breaking attendance after installing phone charging ports in every pew. Pastor Elijah Volt, the mastermind behind this electrifying initiative, beamed with pride as he addressed the overflowing …