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BarelyAdventist | Adventist satire and humor - Cheezy
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The Real Reason Adventism Doesn’t Grow in the West (and It’s Not Because We Don’t “Preach the Truth” Enough) | Barely Adventist
The Real Reason Adventism Doesn’t Grow in the West (and It’s Not Because We Don’t “Preach the Truth” Enough) Every time someone asks why Adventism is shrinking in developed countries, we dust off …
Pete Hegseth Crashes Annual Council: “No More Fat Church Leaders Preaching the Health Message” | Barely Adventist
SILVER SPRING, Md. — In a surprise appearance that left GC delegates choking on their haystacks, newly minted Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth stormed the stage at Annual Council this morning to …
Your Local Church AV Guy Wins Nobel Peace Prize… for Finally Figuring Out What Was Causing the Feedback | Barely Adventist
In a historic first, the quiet genius behind the sanctuary soundboard has been awarded the Nobel Peace Prize for solving a problem that has plagued your congregation for decades: the mysterious, h…
Biblical Research Institute Declares Kimmel’s ‘Indefinite Preemption’ a Heavenly Mandate to Suspend All Late Night TV | Barely Adventist
SILVER SPRING, MD – The General Conference’s Biblical Research Institute (BRI) has released a formal statement interpreting the indefinite preemption of “Jimmy Kimmel Live!” as a clear, providenti…
Adventist Mathematician Calculates Second Coming Will be “Soonish,” Margin of Error ± 1000 Years | Barely Adventist
In a groundbreaking paper just published in the Journal of Eschatological Speculation & Snack Table Logistics, Dr. Nathaniel Arkadius, an Adventist mathematician from Southern Adventist Unive…
La Sierra Releases Updated Version of ‘The Great Controversy’ Titled ‘The Great Deconstruction’ | Barely Adventist
RIVERSIDE, CA—In an unprecedented move sending shockwaves through denominational bureaucracy, La Sierra University this week released “The Great Deconstruction,” a fully updated edition of Ellen G…
Local Pastor’s Sermons Show 73% Improvement After Switching From Postum to Pike Place, Study Finds | Barely Adventist
DROWSYVILLE, Arkansas — In a revelation that’s perking up sleepy Adventist circles, a local pastor’s sermons have improved by an astonishing 73% since swapping his trusty Postum for St…