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BarelyAdventist | Adventist satire and humor - Cheezy
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Pastor Reminds Flock: “God Loves a Cheerful Giver — But We’ll Settle for a Terrified One” | Barely Adventist
Cheapend, ENGLAND — In a stirring Sabbath morning appeal that left the congregation equal parts amused and alarmed, Pastor Cliff Remnant reminded his flock this past weekend that “God loves a chee…
Marriage Ceremony Delayed—Bride’s Ex-Husband Still to Issue Official Adultery Notification | Barely Adventist
In a development that has left the entire church board on the edge of their folding chairs, the much-anticipated remarriage of Sister Abigail was postponed this Sabbath after her ex-husband, Broth…
Wilson Confirms Retirement, Promises Not to Manipulate GC Session Nominating Committee | Barely Adventist
SILVER SPRING, MD — General Conference President Ted Wilson officially confirmed his retirement this week, vowing to “step back and let the Spirit lead” the upcoming GC Session’s nominating commit…
Adventist Single Swears She’s “Totally Content” – Has Wedding Playlist Ready Just in Case | Barely Adventist
BINFIELD, UK – Local Adventist single Sarah M., 29, has once again assured her Sabbath School class that she is “totally content” with her single status-even as her Spotify “Wedding Bangers” playl…
Sabbath School Department Releases “Remnant Coloring Book” for Ages 3 and Up-Stay Inside the Lines or Risk Apostasy | Barely Adventist
In an inspired leap forward for doctrinal formation, the General Conference Sabbath School Department has announced the launch of its “Remnant Coloring Book,” designed for ages 3 and up. The depar…
GC Warns First American Pope to Move Super Bowl Sunday to Saturday so Adventists Can’t Watch | Barely Adventist
The General Conference has warned that Pope Leo XIV, the first American pope, is allegedly plotting to shift Super Bowl Sunday to Saturday as a direct attack on Sabbath-keeping Adventists. The GC …
GC Warns Adventists Not to Bring Sermon Feedback Signs to Church Like House Democrats | Barely Adventist
Silver Spring, MD – The General Conference of Seventh-day Adventists has issued an emergency memo to members worldwide, pleading with them not to emulate the “attention-hungry House Democrats” by …
Vine Clarifies His New Venture’s ‘Needle to the Pole’ Name NOT an Endorsement of Vaccines | Barely Adventist
Berrien Springs, Mich. – Dr. Conrad Vine, the outgoing president of Adventist Frontier Missions (AFM), has launched a new ministry called As the Needle to the Pole. But after a flurry of raised ey…
Andrews Seminary Professor Looking for New Job After Claiming Caffeine Is Fruit of the Spirit | Barely Adventist
An Andrews University Seminary professor is reportedly seeking new employment after making the bold claim that caffeine is, in fact, one of the fruits of the Spirit. The professor, whose name has …