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BarelyAdventist | Adventist satire and humor - Cheezy
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Local Adventist Congratulates Himself on Not Coveting His Neighbor’s Ox – BarelyAdventist
Follow me While exhibiting numerous other spiritual shortcomings on a daily basis, local Adventist Blake Hemsley reportedly patted himself on the back this week for successfully not coveting his neighbor Jeb Morrison’s ox. “I may struggle in other areas, but I do not covet that ox of Jeb’s one bit,” …
Local Adventist Hopes Nobody Can Tell He Hasn’t Studied Sabbath School Lesson – BarelyAdventist
Follow me In a daring act of spiritual recklessness, Jeremy Paulsen plans on winging it bigtime in his Sabbath School class discussion this week. The 34-year-old marketing manager has not so much as cracked open his quarterly for several months but is hoping nobody calls him out. “I’m just going …
Wannabe Heritage Singers Restarting Special Music For Third Time – BarelyAdventist
Follow me An awkward scene played out at the Pineview Seventh-day Adventist Church last Sabbath, as the special music group struggled mightily through an ambitious a cappella rendition of the classic “I’m So Glad.” From the first few measures, it was evident the team had bitten off more than they …
The Future of Adventism. Can We Survive in a Negative World? – BarelyAdventist
Follow me Let’s face it, Adventists. We aren’t exactly in our finest hour. We struggle with in-fighting over doctrinal issues that divide us. The fact that Jesus hasn’t yet returned is forcing us to redefine what we mean when we say He is coming back “soon.” Many of our schools …
Pastor Bored By Own Sermon – BarelyAdventist
Follow me Pastor Daniel Remmings shifted his weight from one foot to the other, staring out over the congregation with heavy-lidded eyes. He cleared his throat for the tenth time, prompting a few members to perk up briefly before glazing over again. “And that’s why…” he droned, struggling to remember …
Pastor Accused of Rushing Through Baptism in Freezing River – BarelyAdventist
Follow me Pastor Randall Pitts of the Boise Westview Seventh-day Adventist Church is under fire this week after several church members accused him of recklessly rushing through a baptism ceremony in the local river last Sabbath. Multiple witness reports claim that Pastor Pitts blazed through the baptismal vows and full-body …
Adventist Can’t Lose Weight No Matter How Many Little Debbie’s He Eats – BarelyAdventist
Follow me Local Adventist Caleb Johnson just can’t seem to lose those stubborn last 15 pounds no matter how much he eats Adventist-owned Little Debbie snack cakes, sources confirmed today. “I don’t get it – I eat a diet full of Little Debbie Oatmeal Creme Pies and Zebra Cakes every …
Disproportionately High Number Of Single Women Telling Good Looking Visiting Speaker How Blessed They Were By Sermon – BarelyAdventist
Follow me Following a sermon on Saturday by famously unmarried visiting speaker Bryan Reynolds at the Cougardale SDA Church, sources confirmed an unusually high number of single women approached the handsome guest speaker to tell him how blessed they were by his message. “Oh Brother Reynolds, I was so blessed …
New President Alex Bryan Promises Full Scholarships to Walla Walla Students Who Get Married By Christmas – BarelyAdventist
Follow me Newly appointed Walla Walla University president Dr. Alex Bryan is wasting no time making his mark on the Adventist school. In a move that has students buzzing, Bryan announced today that WWU students who get married before Christmas will receive a full tuition scholarship for their remaining years. …
Southern Promises Never to Invite Back “Gift of Singleness” Speaker – BarelyAdventist
Follow me Southern Adventist University has issued a formal apology and sworn a blood oath never to invite back the misguided speaker who dared to promote the “gift of singleness” during a recent Week of Prayer. The campus was thrown into upheaval after Pastor Jim Solo tried to normalize being …
Rhythm? What’s That? The Adventist Struggle on the Dance Floor – BarelyAdventist
Follow me As Adventists, we were raised to believe that dancing was a sin akin to bearing false witness or coveting thy neighbor’s ox. From a young age, we were taught to view any rhythmic body movement beyond Pathfinder marching as a gateway to debauchery. So our collective plight is …
Pastor Installs Big Guilt Button in Pulpit – BarelyAdventist
Follow me In a move that has garnered both confusion and consternation from his congregation, Pastor Jeb Caseload of the Soyburg Seventh-day Adventist Church has installed a large red button labeled “GUILT” in the pulpit of the church’s newly-renovated sanctuary. The button, which stands nearly a foot tall and has …
Adventist Spends Entire Service Praying For Strength to Say “No” to Nominating Committee Roles – BarelyAdventist
Follow me As Sister Diane Overcommitted took her usual seat in the third pew from the front, she knew what was coming. Her body tensed up as she spotted Elder Tasker making his way down the aisle, arms loaded with clipboards and that ominous nominating committee list. “Oh Lord, give …
11 Reasons Why Being a Pastor’s Spouse is the Hardest Job – BarelyAdventist
Follow me 1. You’re expected to be a perfect role model at all times, with no room for human flaws or mistakes. 2. Your personal life is constantly under scrutiny, with church members feeling entitled to comment on everything from your parenting choices to your hairstyle. 3. You’re expected to …
Evangelist Doesn’t Know Single Name of 1,000 He Baptized in Campaign – BarelyAdventist
Follow me At last month’s evangelistic campaign, veteran evangelist Elder Thundersalot baptized an astounding 1,000 new converts into the Adventist church over the course of just three weeks of meetings. When asked in an interview if he could share the names or stories of any of these newly baptized members, …
Adventist College Kid Picking Church Fully Based On Quality of Potluck – BarelyAdventist
Follow me In a move that has surprised absolutely no one familiar with Adventist church culture, local Adventist university student Jason Frimbly has based his entire church home decision on one key factor – the potluck game. Frimbly, an environmental studies major, reportedly spent the better part of his freshman …
Nobody Wants to Hear Returning Missionary’s Stories – BarelyAdventist
Follow me LOMA LINDA, Calif. — Caleb Westerfielderson had spent the last two years serving as a missionary in a remote village in Papua New Guinea. Armed with his well-highlighted Bible, a suitcase full of Glow Tracts, and an unquenchable zeal for spreading the Adventist message, he was ready to …
Solomon Found Crushed to Death Under Pile of 700 Marriage Yokes – BarelyAdventist
Follow me JERUSALEM – In a discovery that has rocked the biblical archaeology world, researchers from Seventh-Dig Adventist University have unearthed startling evidence that appears to solve the mystery of how King Solomon met his ultimate demise. For years, scholars have speculated about what ultimately felled the famously wise but …
Church AV Guy Thinks Neuralink Implants Are Key to Sinless Living – BarelyAdventist
Follow me The following is a late-night email our church received from our AV guy, Chad, who is pretty excited: Let’s face it, folks, most of us wouldn’t mind a little less temptation in our lives. That extra slice of pecan pie, that snooze button on Sabbath morning (don’t judge …
Deacon Calling You “Sister” Has Clearly Forgotten Your Name Again – BarelyAdventist
Follow me There you are, minding your own business at church, when Deacon Wilbur approaches with that tight-lipped smile that means he’s about to ask you to do the children’s story. “Happy Sabbath, Sister,” he says warmly, putting an uncomfortable emphasis on the “Sister” part. You grab the bulletin and …
7 Places Adventists Could Use More Cowbell – BarelyAdventist
Follow me As the famous Saturday Night Live skit taught us, there’s no such thing as too much cowbell. And as Adventists, we seem to have missed the memo on the gospel truth of more cowbell making everything better. Here are seven places where a generous sprinkling of that iconic …
Old-Timer Prays for Jesus to Return Before Those “Dang Hippie Youngsters” Lead Praise Again – BarelyAdventist
Follow me The usually peaceful Polkadot Plains Adventist Church was the scene of mild commotion this Sabbath, as 73-year-old Ethel Rutabaga reportedly delayed potluck with a dramatic prayer for Jesus to return before the young people took over praise team duties for Youth Sabbath next month. “Dear Lord, please, please …
Berrien Woman Claims To-Do List Magically Expands on Fridays – BarelyAdventist
Follow me BERRIEN COUNTY, MI – For Mildred Tibbles of Berrien County, preparing for the Sabbath has become a weekly battle against an invisible, and some might say, malevolent force: her ever-expanding to-do list. What starts with a noble intention to create a peaceful and restful holy day quickly descends …
Annual Council to Vote on Whether Ghanaian or Nigerian Adventists Make the Best Jollof Rice – BarelyAdventist
Follow me SILVER SPRING, Md. – In what is shaping up to be the most contentious issue at this year’s Annual Council meetings, delegates from around the world will vote on the decades-old debate of whether Ghanaian or Nigerian Adventists make the superior jollof rice. “This is a matter of …
Graduates From Adventist College 93% More Likely to Insist Their Kids Earn the Cat Honor – BarelyAdventist
Follow me Berrien Springs, Mich. – A new study confirms what many have long suspected – graduates of Adventist colleges and universities are 93% more likely than other Adventist parents to insist their children earn the Cat Honor in Pathfinders. The results reveal a deeply-rooted drive among the Adventist-educated to …
GC Recognized as Greenest Organization on Planet For Recycling of Old Ideas – BarelyAdventist
Follow me SILVER SPRING, Md. — In a development not even the most prophetically-gifted saw coming, the General Conference of the Seventh-day Adventist Church has been recognized as a global leader in environmental sustainability. The International Recycling Coalition (IRC) awarded the GC its top honor, the “Golden Bin,” for its …
NAD Declares “Pray For Jon Bon Jovi’s Vocal Cords Day” – BarelyAdventist
Follow me SILVER SPRING, MD – The North American Division of the Seventh-day Adventist Church has declared next Saturday as the first annual “Pray For Jon Bon Jovi’s Vocal Cords Day.” All Adventists across the division’s territories are being called upon to unite in fervent petition for the full healing …
Adventist Who Claims “Calories Don’t Count on Sabbath” Not Exactly Counting Them Any Other Day Either – BarelyAdventist
Follow me Riverside, Calif. – Local church member Brian Lendell is facing scrutiny after making his signature “calories don’t count on Sabbath” claim once again at last week’s potluck. According to multiple sources, Lendell was witnessed piling his plate precariously high with haystacks, mashed potatoes, and three different kinds of …
Entire Pacific Union College Faculty Living in Van Down by the River – BarelyAdventist
Follow me ANGWIN, CA – It has been revealed that the entire faculty of Pacific Union College has taken up residence in a fleet of vans parked along the Napa River, citing the increasingly exorbitant cost of living in the Angwin area on their meager professor salaries. “Look, we love …
Our Goal is to Make Every Adventist Laugh – BarelyAdventist
Follow me Here at BarelyAdventist, we’re on a mission to bring more laughter and joy into the lives of Adventists everywhere. Why? Because humor is potent medicine for the mind, body, and soul. Laughter allows us to see things from a fresh, uplifting perspective when church politics or life’s many …
Pastor Claims He is Unequally Yoked to Wife Who is Quitting Nursing – BarelyAdventist
Follow me BERRIEN SPRINGS, MI – Local pastor Robert Eyer declared himself to be “unequally yoked” with his wife Denise after she revealed plans to leave her nursing career after 15 years to pursue her dream of becoming a real estate agent. Eyer, who has been the lead pastor at …
Plane Full of Teetotaling Adventists Assumed to be Alcoholics – BarelyAdventist
Follow me A plane full of teetotaling Seventh-day Adventists returning from an extreme church building mission trip in the Dominican Republic was assumed to be carrying a rowdy bunch of alcoholics by the flight crew. The confusion started when the cabin crew offered alcoholic beverages and the entire plane full …
10 Reactions You Get When You Say You Are Seventh-day Adventist – BarelyAdventist
Follow me 1. The Cult Crusader: “Wait, Seventh-day Adventist? Isn’t that a cult?” They immediately start searching for the nearest exit, fearing you might try to indoctrinate them into your secret society of door-knocking, vegetable-worshiping heathens. 2. The Mormon Mixup: “Oh, like the Mormons?” No, Karen, we’re not the ones …
GC Announces Plans to Distribute 1 Billion 28 Fundamentals VHS Tapes Globally – BarelyAdventist
Follow me In a move that left members speechless, the GC unveiled a bold new initiative this morning: “Operation Saturation: 28 Fundamentals on a Billion Tapes!” Yes, you read that right. A billion. VHS tapes. Apparently, the internet, streaming services, and even the humble PDF are just too darned “newfangled” …
Pastor Disciplined for Holding Baptismal Candidates Underwater Too Long – BarelyAdventist
Follow me Pastor Jeb was known for his long-winded baptismal services at the Dry Gulch Adventist Church. Whenever he baptized someone, Jeb liked to add his own personal flair by delivering an extended benediction while the candidates were submerged in the “water grave.” “Praise be to the Almighty who has …
7 Reasons Adventist Men Should Sport a Barong Tagalog – BarelyAdventist
Follow me Forget the same-old Sabbath outfit, BarelyAdventist bros! It’s time to ditch the yawn-inducing threads and embrace something that’ll have you looking sharp and feeling comfortable all service long. Enter the Barong Tagalog: Whether or not you are a Marcos family (the former Filipino president and first lady in …
Michigan Conference Pastors to Name Check Anyone Sleeping in Church – BarelyAdventist
Follow me In a controversial move aimed at combating disengaged congregants, the Michigan Conference of Seventh-day Adventists has instituted a new policy allowing pastors to publicly call out any members caught napping during sermons. “Too many of our faithful are treating the house of God like a Rip Van Winkle …
Guy Who Reminded Wife Scripture Says to Submit is Submitting to Night in Tent – BarelyAdventist
Follow me Elias Uprighteous, the self-proclaimed guardian of biblical orthodoxy, found himself embroiled in a marital showdown when his wife, Rebecca, dared to question his divine authority to purchase a state-of-the-art satellite system for what he deemed “evangelical outreach.” With a smug air of spiritual superiority, Elias wielded Ephesians 5:22 …
Extreme Voices Are Tearing Adventists Apart – Help BarelyAdventist Stop Them – BarelyAdventist
Follow me Hi there, fellow Adventists! This is Sevvy, the somewhat eccentric but always entertaining founder and main word-slinger of BarelyAdventist. Let’s be real, folks – these days, it seems like the Adventist world is becoming increasingly polarized by extreme voices on both ends of the spectrum. Adventist media often …
New Fundamental – Raffle No Longer Gambling if Called ‘Opportunity Draw’ – BarelyAdventist
Follow me “Brethren, after much prayer, we have instituted a new fundamental belief: ‘Raffles Are No Longer Gambling if You Call Them “Opportunity Draws,'” announced Ufe Mista, the General Conference Director of Creed Creep, to a packed GC auditorium this morning. The room erupted into chaos – gasps, cheers, and …