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Follow me LOMA LINDA, Calif. — Researchers at Loma Linda University have officially confirmed that carob remains about as appetizing as chewing on cardboard, despite its much-touted health benefits. Carob, the bane of many an Adventist child’s existence, has long been pushed as a nutritious chocolate alternative. Boasting a fiber …
Follow me SILVER SPRING, Md. — An Adventist family’s dog named Samson has developed some unique habits. The Johnson family of Silver Spring first noticed something was up when Samson began to sit quietly with bowed head before eating his food. “At first we thought he was just sniffing the …
Follow me The General Conference Nominating Committee announced today that they are putting forth additional Adventist candidates for the 2024 US presidential race. “After the runaway success of Dr. Ben Carson’s 2016 campaign, we figured why stop there?” said a spokesperson. “America is clearly in need of an Adventist in …
Follow me It all began innocently enough when both Sam and Lily Thompson stumbled into their kitchen and found themselves knee-deep in a festive seven-layered mess of plates and forks left behind by church friends who had all happily escaped after Sabbath potluck. Sam exclaimed, “I always thought that washing …
Follow me Silver Spring, Md. – The General Conference has announced a ban on all chocolate products containing coffee or alcohol, effective immediately. To enforce the new policy, the GC has hired a team of inspectors to conduct impromptu visits to Adventist homes and offices worldwide. “We must remain vigilant …
Follow me SILVER SPRING, Md. — Tired of showing up late to Sabbath School because you refused to start your car on holy time? Fear not, weary Adventist traveler – the General Conference has you covered with their new ride-sharing app, “Advent-Lift.” This Uber-inspired innovation promises to shuttle you to …
Follow me LOMA LINDA, Calif. — Local Adventist gamer Landon Reese invoked the rarely used “ox in the ditch” clause this past Sabbath to continue working on beating a particularly difficult video game level. The theological loophole, based on a statement Jesus made about rescuing an animal that falls into …
Follow me In a misguided attempt to connect with younger churchgoers, Pastor Brock “The Rock” Johnson of Tumbleweed Seventh-day Adventist Church found himself in a precarious situation after trying to emulate Hulk Hogan’s infamous shirt-ripping incident from the 2024 Republican National Convention. During his sermon entitled “Ripping Away the Sins …
Follow me Silver Spring, Md. – In a stunning reversal of long-standing policy, the General Conference of Seventh-day Adventists has announced that Adventist universities and colleges may now teach about evolution, but only as it pertains to the ever-expanding authority of the GC. “We realize that we’ve been a bit …
Follow me In a groundbreaking move that has sent shockwaves through the Adventist community, the First Seventh-day Adventist Church of Chargewell has reported record-breaking attendance after installing phone charging ports in every pew. Pastor Elijah Volt, the mastermind behind this electrifying initiative, beamed with pride as he addressed the overflowing …
Follow me Pastor John Longwind’s sermon on the virtue of patience was cut short by his increasingly restless congregation at the “Tarry-a-While Seventh-day Adventist Church.” The sermon, aptly titled “Waiting on the Lord: A Test of Faith,” began promptly at 11:00 AM. However, by 11:50 AM, it became clear that …
Follow me In a bold move following England’s heartbreaking loss to Spain in the Euro 2024 final, Newbold College of Higher Education has announced an addition to its theology curriculum: “THEO 301: Coping with Football Disappointment from a Biblical Perspective.” Dr. Nigel Footbottom, Theology Lecturer, explained the decision: “As Adventist …
Follow me Researchers at Loma Linda University’s School of Public Health have unveiled a new vegan substitute so convincing that even die-hard vegans are questioning their life choices. Dr. Mia Plantlover, lead scientist on the project, explained the conundrum: “We set out to create the ultimate plant-based protein, but we …
Follow me In a surprising turn of events, a new board game called “Sabbath Loopholes” has taken the Adventist world by storm, selling out in record time at ABC stores across the globe. The game challenges players to navigate increasingly complex Sabbath scenarios while finding creative ways to reason through …
Follow me In a display of pre-Sabbath gymnastics that would make even Ellen White raise an eyebrow, local Adventist John Doe has set a new personal record by showering, shaving, and changing in just 2.5 minutes before sundown last Friday. Witnesses report that John, caught in a time crunch after …
Follow me Looking for love in all the wrong pews? Fear not, lovelorn Adventist! We’ve compiled a list of pick-up lines that are so bad, they’re almost good. Use these at your own risk: 1. “Hey, is your name Sabbath? Because you’re the best day of my week!” 2. “Are …
Follow me The “Zion’s Outpost” Adventist Book Center (ABC) has been caught red-handed selling copies of Dan Brown’s controversial bestseller “The Da Vinci Code” – cleverly disguised in plain brown wrappers. Store manager, Herb Wheatgerm, defended the decision, stating, “Look, we’re just trying to stay financially afloat here at Zion’s …
Follow me What started as a routine Wednesday night Bible study at Hairsplit Seventh-day Adventist church quickly spiraled into an intense theological debate when someone innocently asked, “So, what do you think Jesus’s hair looked like?” The seemingly harmless question, posed by newcomer Sarah Johnson, sent the usually placid group …
Follow me WEST FRANKFORT, IL – Local Adventist father, Bob Wellman, has declared that this year’s family vacation to the 3ABN studios will be “just as fun, if not more so” than a trip to Disney World, much to the chagrin of his wife and three children. “Who needs overpriced …
Follow me Everyone at Setbacks Seventh-day Adventist Church abandoned their summer health kick during last Sabbath’s potluck. The church, known for its kale smoothie socials and tofu cooking classes, had embarked on a congregation-wide “Beach Body Bible Study” initiative just three weeks ago. However, all good intentions evaporated faster than …
Follow me In a mix-up at Nutsberry Seventh-day Adventist Church last Sabbath, Elder John Smith accidentally grabbed his wife’s shopping list instead of his sermon notes. The congregation was treated to an unexpectedly passionate discourse on the virtues of almond milk. Highlights of the Sermon: – “Brothers and sisters, let …
Follow me A groundbreaking study conducted by the Adventist Research Institute has uncovered a surprising trend: the more frequently a church hears sermons about “finishing the work,” the less likely its members are to engage in actual community service. Dr. Ima Researcher, lead author of the study, explained the findings: …
Follow me LOMA LINDA, Calif. – While most Americans celebrated their nation’s independence on July 4th, the Johnsons of Loma Linda took the opportunity to commemorate a different kind of freedom – their liberation from the clutches of caffeine. The Johnsons, devout Seventh-day Adventists, decided to mark their 50th year …
Follow me We Adventists are a diverse bunch, aren’t we? Sometimes, curiosity gets the better of us, and we can’t help but wonder where our fellow church members fall on the theological spectrum. Here’s a look at some subtle (and not-so-subtle) ways Adventists try to decode your theological leanings. 1. …
Follow me Pastor Woke Feelgood of the Progressive Pines Adventist Church has declared the long-standing Adventist doctrine of the Investigative Judgment to be “too judgmental” and “not inclusive enough.” “We need to create a safe space for all believers, not just those who can pass some cosmic inspection,” Pastor Feelgood …
Follow me Local Adventist evangelist Pastor Jim Prophecy was reportedly left in a state of disbelief yesterday after accidentally opening his Bible to the book of Ruth during a sermon preparation session. “I thought someone had slipped a different book into my Bible as a prank,” said a visibly shaken …
Follow me In an attempt to combat dwindling attendance at their annual summer evangelism series, the Cooler Springs Seventh-day Adventist Church has taken a bold new approach. This year’s series, traditionally titled “Unlocking Revelation’s Secrets,” has been rebranded as “Prophecy and Popsicles: A Chilling Look at the End Times.” Pastor …
Follow me US President Joe Biden has reportedly embraced the Seventh-day Adventist NEWSTART health program to prepare for his next debate. Following his recent debate performance that left Democrats concerned, Biden’s team is pulling out all the stops to ensure he’s in top form. “I’m committing 100% to NEWSTART,” Biden …
Follow me In a move that has left both political pundits and culinary enthusiasts hungrier, former President Donald Trump has insisted that the upcoming presidential debate include a “haystack-building” competition to demonstrate the candidates’ problem-solving skills. This unique request aims to showcase the candidates’ ability to think on their feet …
Follow me John Smith found himself in a hairy situation after accidentally sipping on a cup of caffeinated tea at a community event. The drama unfolded at a neighborhood gathering at Snoozeville SDA, where an unsuspecting volunteer, clearly not up to speed on Adventist beverage protocols, placed a pot of …
Follow me The upcoming General Conference-produced movie “The Pearly Gates Dilemma” has leaked a controversial scene that has the Adventist community buzzing. The scene reveals that as eager believers line up at heaven’s entrance, they’re handed a single-question exam: “What day is the Sabbath?” The film’s producer, Elder I.M. Literal, …
Follow me HOPE SPRINGS, CA — What was meant to be a weekend of spiritual growth and potential matchmaking for Adventist singles turned into an awkward family reunion on Saturday night at the picturesque Camp Wawona. The “Equally Yoked” singles retreat, organized by the Pacific Union Conference, came to an …
Follow me Ellen White impersonator Mildred Hawkins suffered a severe case of heatstroke during the annual Adventist Heritage Festival, collapsing dramatically mid-sermon. Dressed in a full-length black dress, bonnet, and multiple petticoats, Hawkins had been enthusiastically delivering a rousing speech on temperance when she suddenly faltered and fainted. “I thought …
Follow me In an attempt to attract more young people and boost attendance, the Slumber Springs Seventh-day Adventist Church recently implemented a “Casual Sabbath” dress code. However, church leaders are now reconsidering the policy after last week’s service turned into what one elder described as “a holy slumber party.” Pastor …
Follow me In a surprising mix-up that has Adventists everywhere checking their calendars, the Adventist Review’s latest issue mistakenly published Taylor Swift’s “The Eras Tour” schedule instead of the annual camp meeting dates. Readers were puzzled to find venues like Wembley Stadium and Anfield Stadium listed as locations for spiritual …
Follow me What began as a routine church meeting board at Rocky Road Adventist quickly devolved into chaos last night over a proposed redesign of the bulletin board decor in the church lobby. The meeting kicked off with the usual agenda items like ministry updates and financial reports. However, tensions …
Follow me LOMA LINDA, Calif. – In a move that has rocked the world of Adventist higher education, Loma Linda University and Weimar Institute have announced plans to merge into one mega-institution dedicated entirely to the study of herbal colon cleansing. The new school, dubbed “Loma Linda Weimar University of …
Follow me SILVER SPRING, Md. – The General Conference Modesty Committee has issued a new dress code policy banning any clothing deemed too fashionable or stylish for faithful Adventists. The policy, titled “A Rebuke Against Sartorial Vanity,” declares that all members must dress in a manner “devoid of any hint …
Follow me LOMA LINDA, Calif. – NEWSTART Foods announced today that after years of research and development, their line of vegetarian meat substitutes has achieved complete parity with cardboard in terms of taste, texture and nutritional value. The company’s new ultra-realistic “Thick-Cut Cardboard Steaks” are the culmination of over 50 …
Follow me A recent survey has found that an overwhelming majority of church members would prefer to undergo multiple root canals than volunteer to teach the teen Sabbath School class. The study, conducted by the Institute of Adventist Avoidance Tactics, surveyed over 10,000 Adventists across the globe. When asked to …