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BarelyAdventist | Adventist satire and humor - Cheezy
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Adventist Mathematician Calculates Second Coming Will be “Soonish,” Margin of Error ± 1000 Years | Barely Adventist
In a groundbreaking paper just published in the Journal of Eschatological Speculation & Snack Table Logistics, Dr. Nathaniel Arkadius, an Adventist mathematician from Southern Adventist Unive…
La Sierra Releases Updated Version of ‘The Great Controversy’ Titled ‘The Great Deconstruction’ | Barely Adventist
RIVERSIDE, CA—In an unprecedented move sending shockwaves through denominational bureaucracy, La Sierra University this week released “The Great Deconstruction,” a fully updated edition of Ellen G…
Local Pastor’s Sermons Show 73% Improvement After Switching From Postum to Pike Place, Study Finds | Barely Adventist
DROWSYVILLE, Arkansas — In a revelation that’s perking up sleepy Adventist circles, a local pastor’s sermons have improved by an astonishing 73% since swapping his trusty Postum for St…
By 2040, 98% of Adventists Projected to Be Kindly Grandmas Inquiring About Your Relationship Status | Barely Adventist
SILVER SPRING, Md. — New projections from the Adventist Statistics, Trends & Reports (ASTR) department suggest a demographic tipping point: if trends persist, every Adventist congregation will…
Local Adventist Church Baffled by Lack of Community Interest Despite “Obviously Superior Lifestyle” | Barely Adventist
Babylon, MD— Members of the Righteousness Heights Seventh-day Adventist Church expressed bewilderment this week after their latest evangelistic series, “Why Everyone Should Be Like Us,”…
Ted Wilson to Replace GC Session Parade of Nations with One-Man Fashion Extravaganza | Barely Adventist
SILVER SPRING, MD — In a move that has stunned and delighted the global Adventist community, General Conference President Ted Wilson has announced plans to cancel the traditional Parade of Nations…
Pastor Reminds Flock: “God Loves a Cheerful Giver — But We’ll Settle for a Terrified One” | Barely Adventist
Cheapend, ENGLAND — In a stirring Sabbath morning appeal that left the congregation equal parts amused and alarmed, Pastor Cliff Remnant reminded his flock this past weekend that “God loves a chee…
Marriage Ceremony Delayed—Bride’s Ex-Husband Still to Issue Official Adultery Notification | Barely Adventist
In a development that has left the entire church board on the edge of their folding chairs, the much-anticipated remarriage of Sister Abigail was postponed this Sabbath after her ex-husband, Broth…
Wilson Confirms Retirement, Promises Not to Manipulate GC Session Nominating Committee | Barely Adventist
SILVER SPRING, MD — General Conference President Ted Wilson officially confirmed his retirement this week, vowing to “step back and let the Spirit lead” the upcoming GC Session’s nominating commit…
Adventist Single Swears She’s “Totally Content” – Has Wedding Playlist Ready Just in Case | Barely Adventist
BINFIELD, UK – Local Adventist single Sarah M., 29, has once again assured her Sabbath School class that she is “totally content” with her single status-even as her Spotify “Wedding Bangers” playl…
Sabbath School Department Releases “Remnant Coloring Book” for Ages 3 and Up-Stay Inside the Lines or Risk Apostasy | Barely Adventist
In an inspired leap forward for doctrinal formation, the General Conference Sabbath School Department has announced the launch of its “Remnant Coloring Book,” designed for ages 3 and up. The depar…
GC Warns First American Pope to Move Super Bowl Sunday to Saturday so Adventists Can’t Watch | Barely Adventist
The General Conference has warned that Pope Leo XIV, the first American pope, is allegedly plotting to shift Super Bowl Sunday to Saturday as a direct attack on Sabbath-keeping Adventists. The GC …