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HumorOutcasts | Humor Writing Blog - Cheezy
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CDC Director Ousted Due to Jealousy Fueled by Her “Understated Hotness” – HumorOutcasts.com
In an episode that could have been drawn from The Real Housewives of D.C., sources within the White House have confirmed that Susan Monarez was fired from her position as Director of the Centers for Disease Control as a result of intense lobbying by Kristi Noem, Secretary of Homeland Security, Pam Bondi, U. S. Attorney General,…
Junior Leaguers Scramble for Projects in Upscale Suburbs – HumorOutcasts.com
LADUE, Mo. Kiki Williams, Cindy Steptoe and Marci Creighton are frustrated. The three young housewives are up for membership in the Junior League chapter of this upscale suburb of St. Louis, but they’ve hit a wall in their quest to join the charitable organization that counts Laura Bush and four other former First Ladies among…
Aging Chanteuse Has Hit With Vocal Tribute to Internet – HumorOutcasts.com
QUESADILLA, Texas. Vikki Floria is an 84 year-old chanteuse who has sung for five vice presidents, but she hasn’t had a top-selling record in over three decades. She hopes to end that losing streak with her new CD “That Crazy, Wacky Thing We Call the Internet,” an attempt to re-position herself for a youthful audience…
Home Alone – HumorOutcasts.com
It pains me to admit this. But I'm a man. In contrast, my wife, to her great credit, is a woman—an artistic, multitasking, husband-helping, spouse-supporting woman. And it seems to me that gender might play a role in how differently Carolyn and I view and treat our time apart from each other. When I'm away,…
Ripping the Headlines Today, 8/29/25 – HumorOutcasts.com
Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to The news, even that about “world’s largest willy,” doesn’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over,…
“Climate Change Ate My Homework” Newest Excuse for Students – HumorOutcasts.com
DNIEPERVILLE, Minn. For Emily Hartpence, the beginning of a new school year this month brought a mixture of elation and dread. "It's good to be back with my friends," the freckle-faced fifth grader said, "but I'm afraid of long division." Coupled with those mixed emotions is a sense of life's unfairness. "I can't have a…
LitMag Caters To Those Whose Summers Were Bummers – HumorOutcasts.com
KANKAKEE, Illinois. Caitlin Mergen was having a good summer until she over-imbibed on "hard seltzer" and vomited on the seats of her mother's brand-new Buick Enclave. "It was my first night out after getting my driver's license," she says ruefully. "Of course I was going to get drunk." That offense caused her parents to "ground"…
SPARKS BRIEF: Big Bird Kicked from the Nest, Piggy in a Pinch: PBS Cuts Hit Hard – HumorOutcasts.com
Manhattan, New York - "Sunny days, chasing the clouds away" is officially cancelled. The new Sesame Street anthem? “Can you tell me how to get, how to get to the Unemployment Office?” With nearly $1 billion in PBS funding slashed, Sesame Street has shuttered its stores, leaving beloved felt and foam residents to face the…
Trump Orders National Zoo to Enhance the Whiteness of Its Collection – HumorOutcasts.com
On Monday, President Donald J. Trump issued an Executive Order calling for a 40% increase in the number of displays featuring white animals at the National Zoological Park in Washington, DC. The Zoo is part of the Smithsonian Institution. "The National Zoo needs a lot more snowy egrets, mountain goats, polar bears, swans, arctic hares,…
Washing of Watchbands Marks Summer’s Wane for WASPs – HumorOutcasts.com
SEAGULL COVE, Mass. This secluded village, a township so obscure it isn’t listed on maps of the municipality of which it is a part, is a place you probably can’t get into if your family didn’t buy a summer place within its borders long before you were born. “It’s sad, really, and I feel for those people,” says Oliver “Budge” Northcott, a long-time…
Let’s Give Surgery a Hand – HumorOutcasts.com
I'm about to disappear. I'm having surgery on my hand, thanks to a non-dangerous affliction called Dupuytren's contracture. This was named after scientist Guillotine Dupuytren, and I hope he's happy. I'd give him the middle finger, but it won't bend that way. Over time, a person's fingers can bend toward his palm until he--that would…
Warring Sides Agree to Talks in Crayon Arms Race – HumorOutcasts.com
KNOB NOSTER, Mo. The school year in this small town has barely started but already second-grade teacher Emily Nostrand has her hands full with a conflict that threatens to spiral out of control. "It's tragic when hostilities distract from the educational process," she says as a cloud of concern passes over her face, like a late-summer storm scudding…
The Heartbreak of Time Blindness – HumorOutcasts.com
It seems like every month, we learn about a new mental health dysfunction. For example, I’ll bet you’ve never heard of Globophobia. This diagnosis, first issued in 2013, is the irrational fear of balloons. Then there’s Arachibutyrophobia, a fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of one’s mouth. As a child I had a…
SPARKS BRIEF: Ghislaine Maxell to Receive Kennedy Center Honors Award – HumorOutcasts.com
Washington, D.C. – In a bold reimagining of American culture, Donald Trump announced today that convicted sex trafficker Ghislaine Maxwell will receive a 2025 Kennedy Center Honor, citing her “incredible spoken-word skills,” “very beautiful license plates made in prison,” and “frame-worthy doodles drawn during her rigged trial.” “She said I was a tremendous gentleman. Maybe…
For Young Cowboy Poets, Hot Practices Only Get Verse – HumorOutcasts.com
AMARILLO, Texas. Joe Don Mergen has just a week left before he begins the school year as a sophomore at Darrell Royal High School here, but he says he’s looking forward to it even though it will mean an end to summer fun. “It’ll mean the end of two-a-day practices, and I’m all for that,”…
For Daughters of Brady Bunch, Inter-Sister Strife is Rife – HumorOutcasts.com
OUIMET, Mass. Eve Walz and Caroline Mack are sisters whose lives would appear to be devoid of major problems; both are happily married with healthy, well-adjusted children and live in upscale suburbs where the most troubling incident to appear in the local newspaper's police report is rarely more serious than a raccoon sighting at the…
Last Call for the Merit Badge Failures – HumorOutcasts.com
It always returns at the end of summer–the feeling of failure. It has a dry, bitter taste that goes with it, as if it’s a wasting disease that afflicts your entire body and psyche and not just your self-esteem. “Amour-propre,” the French call it–literally, “self love”–and if that sounds a wee bit egotistic, well, everybody…
Trump Changes The Name Of The United States To ‘Trumpistan’ – HumorOutcasts.com
President Trump, feeling full of vim and vigor and piss, has declared that he is changing the name of the United States to ‘Trumpistan’. For an American public used to our present President's whimsical ways, it is not coming as too much of a surprise. The rest of the world feels pretty much the same…
Ripping the Headlines Today, 8/18/25 – HumorOutcasts.com
Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to The news, even that about a beardless Jason Momoa, doesn’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads…
Is Your Family Tree Infested? – HumorOutcasts.com
There’s an old saying: “You can pick your friends, but you can’t pick your family.” I prefer to think of family a lot like picking your nose—you’re always going to find one big booger.” Every family tree has a few bad seeds, the kind of genetic breakdowns that lead to unibrows or a third nipple…
As Families Tighten Belts, Distressed Jeans Feel the Pinch – HumorOutcasts.com
OAK PARK, Illinois. Martha Reznik is the mother of a teenaged son, Todd, whose summer growth spurt means a trip to the mall for new clothes as the school year looms ahead. “He shot up like a weed,” she says as she picks through sale items on a display table inside Lochner’s, an off-price retailer…
As Summer Ends, Grade School “Cougars” on the Prowl – HumorOutcasts.com
WESTLAND, Mass. Emily Adams is a twelve-year-old who will be entering sixth grade at Mosi Tatupu Middle School in this western suburb of Boston next week, and yesterday found her with her mother shopping for back-to-school needs. “Let’s see–Artgum eraser, backpack, boyfriend . . .” But Emily’s eyes aren’t on her new pencil box and…