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HumorOutcasts | Humor Writing Blog - Cheezy
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When Bad Things Happen to Cloud-Based Cat Feeders – HumorOutcasts.com
An outage at Amazon's cloud-computing unit caused internet-connected cat feeding machines to fail. The Wall Street Journal "Well?" I missed the 4:30 train and so didn't arrive home until 6:30. You would have thought--if you'd heard the caterwauling that greeted me as I came in the door--that…
With Francis Dead, Trump Installs Himself as Pope – HumorOutcasts.com
"It's the least I could do," President Donald J. Trump told reporters on Monday after he appointed himself Interim Pope of the Roman Catholic Church. "Pope Francis died shortly after meeting with JD Vance, who's my guy, so I feel responsible. JD can have that effect on people. They talk with him and then immediately…
What’s The Bladder? – HumorOutcasts.com
I have a personal relationship with my bladder. I know it seems odd. We’re not dating, although it does come along with me everywhere I go. For the most part, it’s a tolerable partnership, except when it gets pissed off. We became close several years ago when I was diagnosed with bladder cancer. Any organ…
Bostonians Grouse as Skinny Types Dominate Marathon – HumorOutcasts.com
BOSTON. The Boston Marathon, the world’s oldest annual marathon, attracts runners from around the world every Patriot’s Day, a holiday on the third Monday in April that serves as an excuse for local bureaucrats to take the day off. “Running Boston is my dream,” says Ngtmbe Jpksgzi of Freedonia, whose name was cobbled together from…
As Marathon Approaches, Race to Be Most Charitable Tightens – HumorOutcasts.com
WESTLAND, Mass. The Boston Marathon, the nation’s oldest, is the day after tomorrow, so the weekend before would normally be a time of high anticipation for Nicole Stansler, who’ll be running in her fifteenth such event. “I always do it for my college sorority sister May Dignan,” Stansler says over an audible lump in her…
At the Short Story Vending Machine – HumorOutcasts.com
Zoetrope: All-Story Magazine unveils America’s first short-story vending machine. Press release, July 2016 Hmmm. John O’Hara? Naw, too fattening. I was the only one at work on a Saturday, and the little greasy spoon on the first floor of my office building was closed. My stomach started to growl around a quarter to eleven, and…
For Freedonian Bob Dylan, Oxygen is Blowing in the Wind – HumorOutcasts.com
MUSZRKLIA, Freedonia. As he looks back on a career that spans a half-century, Durz Nikolaj laughs and shakes his head at the transformation he’s undergone. “I was a nice Byellorussian boy who wanted to grow up to join the Freedonian space program. My dad owned an appliance store,” he says wistfully. “I was no good at leveling washers,…
Ripping the Headlines Today, 4/18/25 – HumorOutcasts.com
Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to The news, even that about what Apple lost on the stock market, doesn’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our…
Is 911 Still the Number for 911? – HumorOutcasts.com
We got a new radio system in our dispatch center, and the guy training us on it claimed we could use it at home, on a laptop. This is a great idea in theory: It would save me gas, and clothes would be cheaper if all I had to buy was pajamas. Of course, video…
Science Takes on Female Hormones, Hormones Win – HumorOutcasts.com
Scientific breakthroughs have made our lives richer and more fulfilling in a number of ways. The problem with science, however, is scientists. Alfred Kinsey: Beneath the goofy bow tie lay a snarling, lust-crazed libido. Take Alfred Kinsey–please. Beginning in the early 1900′s, he collected over 5 million gall wasps before he realized that .…
Call the Know-Your-Neighbor Hotline – HumorOutcasts.com
Wondering about the funny smell emanating from 123 Shady Elm Lane? Concerned that your kids will be used in a ritual by your satanic cult neighbors? Ask the Know Your Neighbor Hotline, we use state-of-the-art techniques--some of them legal--to find out what the hell is going on next door! "Don't pay attention to those mooks…
ICE Cracks Down on Dangerous Threats to National Security – HumorOutcasts.com
A Thirteen-Year-Old, a Disabled Retiree, and a Gay Schnauzer Among Those Detained Washington, D.C. – April 13, 2025 – In its latest effort to protect America from vaguely defined threats to freedom, the U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) has announced a sweeping series of arrests this week, targeting what President Trump has described as…
On the Attack With the Fighting Russian Girlfriends – HumorOutcasts.com
Pamela Toler’s Women Warriors: An Unexpected History highlights lesser-known women who have gone into battle, such as Maria Vasilyevna Oktiabrskaya, a Russian mechanic in World War II who drove a tank christened “The Fighting Girlfriend.” The American Scholar, April 23, 2019 Oktiabrskaya: "I will crush you like bug just to watch juice run out." …
At the Non-Alcoholics Anonymous Meeting – HumorOutcasts.com
I knew I was headed for trouble when, instead of comparing prices as I scanned the beer selection in a restaurant, I started to compare the alcohol content of the offerings. I'd had a few instances of walking out the door after dining with a few drinks down my gullet, looking out at the parking…
Ripping the Headlines 4/11/25 – HumorOutcasts.com
Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to The news, even that about opening day for Major League Baseball, doesn’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty…
Worrying Works – Trust Me, It’s Science – HumorOutcasts.com
You know, they say that worrying is like a rocking chair: it gives you something to do but gets you nowhere. My wife says that I worry too much, that I fret over every little thing that could go wrong, when the reality is, none of those things ever do. But she just doesn’t get…
Wanted: America’s Next Prison Rodeo Queen – HumorOutcasts.com
If you want to advance beyond your current dead-end job, experts say you must be nimble and quick to leap at employment opportunities that may disappear in the blink of an eye. Sort of like Jack, the guy who jumped over the candle stick. Just try and find a high-paying job with health insurance jumping…
Rival Rock-Paper-Scissors Leagues to Merge – HumorOutcasts.com
TORONTO. The two professional rock-paper-scissors leagues will end their long-standing rivalry today and merge in the biggest sports combination since the American and National Football Leagues joined forces in 1970. U.S.A. Rock Paper Scissors League, headquartered in Hollywood, will become a part of the World RPS Society, based in Toronto, beginning with the 2025 season,…
Your Maternal Buttinsky Advisor – HumorOutcasts.com
Have a mom who criticizes your cake-decorating skills? Wondering why she always praises your brother's water-skiing and not yours? Ask Your Maternal Buttinsky Advisor, she's full of vindictive ideas! Dear Maternal Buttinsky Advisor: I am dating this boy "Randy," that's his real name but he likes the "look" of quotation marks, he uses them on…
Something I Found in an Old Clip – HumorOutcasts.com
A guy in Montreal turned a paperclip into a house. Let’s start at the beginning: It was a regular, run of the mill red paperclip, which Kyle MacDonald noticed on his desk while sitting around one day, thinking about how much he’d like a house. This being the “instant gratification” generation, he decided to forgo…