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HumorOutcasts | Humor Writing Blog - Cheezy
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Joe Friday, Philosopher-Cop – HumorOutcasts.com
Joe McNamara was a philosopher-policeman. The Wall Street Journal MUSIC: DRAGNET THEME V.O.: Ladies and gentlemen, the story you are about to hear is true. MUSIC: DRUM ROLL UNDER V.O. You’re a detective sergeant. You’re assigned to Burglary Division. You get a call that an important piece of dogma has been stolen from a pagan…
Paul’s Awesome English Dictionary – Today’s Phrase – Droney Man – HumorOutcasts.com
How many times has this happened to you? You’re at a lecture in college. You barely care about the subject, but you vow to endure the professor’s monotonic delivery. Will he ever stop? Many years later, you wonder if he ever did. Maybe you spontaneously teleported away while in a deep stupor. My gosh, how…
Gaetz’s Downfall Linked To His Claim That He Had Committed More Sex Crimes Than Trump – HumorOutcasts.com
If there is one thing that Donald J. Trump can't stand, it's coming in second. Ever. So, when Matt Gaetz bragged to reporters on Wednesday afternoon that -- at the age of 42 -- he has assaulted more females than Trump has in 78 years, the President-elect blew a gasket. On Thursday morning he met with…
Ripping the Headlines Today, 11/22/24 – HumorOutcasts.com
Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to The news, even that about Timothée Chalamet, doesn’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember…
Paul’s Awesome English Dictionary – Today’s Word – Finspeak – HumorOutcasts.com
I’m not making up the following finspeak. I earned my doctorate in International Economics and yes, such utterances make my brain hurt and my teeth itch. We need a word for this gobbledigook. And now there is: TODAY’S AWESOME WORD Finspeak Awesome entry #51 – Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D. …
At the Children’s Poetry Milk Bar – HumorOutcasts.com
It was Friday when I got the news–a brief email from the editor of Happy Heart Magazine, a new kid on the block of children’s poetry. They made a big splash when they arrived on the scene a few months ago. If your poem was accepted, not only would you get a free copy of…
BREAKING NEWS: Trump Announces More Bold Cabinet Picks – HumorOutcasts.com
(FOX NEWS) President-Elect Trump is wasting no time assembling his cabinet. He has already announced several bold appointments, including Robert F. Kennedy Jr. as Secretary of Health and Human Services, Fox News weekend host Pete Hegseth as Secretary of Defense, and Tulsi Gabbard as Director of National Intelligence and Russian Public Relations. Trump has proudly…
Join the French Foreign Legion of Coffee – HumorOutcasts.com
Lately, a lot of people want to know my name. The “barista” at Starbucks. The guy behind the counter at Peet’s Coffee. “Can I have a name for that order?” he asks. I look around the place at 6:30 in the morning. I’m the only one there, but I give in and tell him my…
A Poem for Elon – HumorOutcasts.com
You can buy a space airline And also a hairline You can ruin a website or twunny You can populate Mars With self-driving cars And nuke both the poles so it’s sunny You can buy an erection And perhaps an election And nuke all the polls with your money There’s so much you can buy…
Achievement Man on Losing Things – HumorOutcasts.com
Always strive to be better. Let Achievement Man be your role model. He keeps on going in the face of great challenges. Achievement Man #3 – Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D. Check out my novel, the hilarious apocalyptic thriller, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms?
S’mores Latte – HumorOutcasts.com
American Dessert S’MORES LATTE INGREDIENTS ½ teaspoon chocolate syrup (1½ tablespoons more latter) 2 tablespoons crumbled graham crackers 1½ tablespoons chocolate syrup ⅔ cup whole milk ⅔ cup espresso or strongly brewed coffee 1½ tablespoons mini-marshmallows 1 teaspoon chocolate shavings* (optional) * = Can be made using chocolate bar and grater. …
Fear of Female Security Guards – HumorOutcasts.com
It’s Wednesday, “hump” day. You probably know the feeling I get at this point in the work week; you get up early every morning, day after day, go to work, tap on your keyboard, yell at people on the phone. It’s tedious being a knowledge worker in a professional service firm, and you often find…
I Was a Vampire for the Chicago Bears – HumorOutcasts.com
The literature of nausea has come to professional football: the “I Was a Vampire for the Chicago Bears” school for one crowd, and “I Was a Rich Owner’s Plaything” for the other. Wilfred Sheed, Unnecessary Roughness It hasn’t been easy being third linebacker on the depth chart for the Chicago Bears this season. I figured…
A Message For Trump’s Minions Worded In The Vernacular You Understand Best – HumorOutcasts.com
A Message For Trump's Minions Worded In The Vernacular You Understand Best (Originally published in 2016 when the Orangatang was first elected) In a bow to our supposed new President I submit this missive attempting to recreate the style of communicating that he does best in order to express myself properly to those who…
Minnie Mouse Latch Hook Project – Part 5 – HumorOutcasts.com
Hey! I finished the latch-hooking part of the titanic Minnie Mouse Latch Hook Project. I’d like to thank the many, many bits of material who willingly let themselves be turned into bits of yarn. This project simply wouldn’t been possible without them. A shout out goes to gravity. I shudder think if it had not…
Rasta-Byterians Bring New Life to Old Congregation – HumorOutcasts.com
WHARTON, Mass. In this upscale suburb of Boston, attendance at the First Presbyterian Church had fallen off dramatically over time as old members died and their children scattered after graduating from the local high school. “It got so bad that if someone called up and asked ‘What time’s the service?’ I’d say ‘What time can…
Greeting Cards From the World’s Grumpiest Poet – HumorOutcasts.com
Around Thanksgiving my thoughts turn towards those less fortunate than myself. This year, I’ve decided to extend a hand to Giacomo Leopardi, known to his few friends as “Jock.” Giacomo Leopardi For centuries, Leopardi has been known as the world’s grumpiest poet. When Matthew Arnold published his…
French Remove Torch from Statue of Liberty- “America Is No Longer A Light To The World.” – HumorOutcasts.com
A French demolition crew arrived by boat at Liberty Island in New York this week and commenced work on removing the torch from the Statue of Liberty's hand which had been there since the statue was gifted to the US by France in 1886. It was the brainchild of French politician, poet and ardent anti-slavery…
The First Apartment: A Rite of Passage – HumorOutcasts.com
Last week, with the signing of a lease and payment of first and last month’s rent, security deposit, key charges, broker’s commission and the short-term national debt of Finland, my younger son became a man. For there is no step that so clearly marks the crossing of the threshold from childhood to adulthood as that…
Ripping the Headlines Today, 11/15/24 – HumorOutcasts.com
Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to The news, even that about the LA Dodgers, doesn’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over,…
Admitting That “It Was All A Joke — Even I’m Not THAT Crazy,” Trump Withdraws Nominations of Gaetz and RFK, Jr. – HumorOutcasts.com
A collective sigh of relief could be heard across the nation on Friday morning, when President-elect Donald J. Trump revealed that his nominations of Matt Gaetz and Robert F. Kennedy, Jr. for high-level positions in his administration were pranks that he had hatched in partnership with editors of The Onion, the popular satirical newspaper. Trump…
Art Van Stiffel, Deciduous Tree Lawyer – HumorOutcasts.com
A Columbus, Ohio lawyer specializes in tree disputes. The Wall Street Journal As I looked out the window of my office at the package liquor store across the street, I was thinking it was ironic that I, Art Van Stiffel, one of the top two tree lawyers in Columbus, Ohio, couldn’t even afford an office…
Strawberry Bundt Cake – HumorOutcasts.com
American Dessert STRAWBERRY BUNDT CAKE INGREDIENTS – CAKE 1 pound fresh strawberries (1 ounce more later) 2 teaspoons baking powder ½ teaspoons baking soda 3¼ cups flour ¾ teaspoon salt ⅔ cup butter, softened (2½ tablespoons more later) 3 eggs 1½ cups sugar ½ tablespoon vanilla extract (½ teaspoon more later) ⅔…
Minnie Mouse Latch Hook Project – Part 4 – HumorOutcasts.com
The epic Minnie Mouse Latch project continues. At the very beginning, little pockets of colored yarn were splattered all over the upper-right corner. Also, the project somehow got started on the right edge of the mesh instead of at the bottom. So, I saw the whole developing picture from the wrong side. These two effects…
“Leaves by Mail” Brings Fall Colors to Blander Regions – HumorOutcasts.com
NEEDHAM, Mass. New England’s fall foliage is a magnet for tourists at this time of the year, when busloads of “leaf peepers” from around the country make their way here to view the spectacular colors that cooler temperatures produce in the region’s deciduous trees. “It is just so thrilling to me,” says Maeve Glincher, a…
Baptizing My Cats – HumorOutcasts.com
Another weekend with the in-laws ends on a sour note as the question is again raised, once the Agnostic-Rastafarian in the family (that’s me) steps outside to load the car, why our children aren’t baptized. For some reason this discussion always takes place when I’m out of earshot and can’t participate. I think it’s because…
Excerpt from HumorOutcasts writer James Kobak’s Latest Book: Tennis, Anyone?: The Wimp’s Guide to Tennis and Other Racquet Sports – HumorOutcasts.com
We are so excited to excerpt TENNIS, ANYONE? The Wimp's Guide to Tennis and Other Racquet Sports from James E. Kobak, Jr. which is available on Amazon in paperback and kindle formats plus other online retailers and can be ordered at your favorite bookstore too. Follow Jim on HumorOutcasts and on Substack Tennis,…