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An Empty Nest At Christmas (+ Empathy For All Of Us Who Are Hurting This Holiday Season)
Unlike many of my trauma survivor clients, for whom holidays were often a nightmare, I am one of those people who grew up with a family who knew how to do wonderful holidays. At home in Winter Park, Florida, the holiday season was filled with advent calendars and candles, nativity scenes at Disney W
Pursuing A Healing Partnership Is Like Climbing Mount Everest
After my divorce from the father of my now 18-year old daughter, I hoped to find a relationship with someone who was willing to go the distance with me. I’d met people who claimed to be up for personal or spiritual growth, but when the rubber met the road and we entered the real birth canal of trans
10 STEPS TO FINDING YOUR WRITING VOICE & HEALING YOUR TRAUMA
For those of you seeking to write a memoir or learn self-help tools to deepen your Internal Family Systems practice, either as an adjunct to your IFS practice or because you can’t afford or can’t find an IFS therapist, my health equity parts want to share some practices you can try at home to get to
What If You Give More Than You Receive In Every One Of Your Relationships?
Because we’re writing a book together about the health impacts of unbalanced, non-reciprocal, and oppressive relationships, my partner Jeff Rediger and I have been previewing some of what we’re writing about in the book in online Zoom workshops. When we taught Healing Attachment Wounds In Relationsh
What If You Give More Than You Receive In Every One Of Your Relationships?
Because we’re writing a book together about the health impacts of unbalanced, non-reciprocal, and oppressive relationships, my partner Jeff Rediger and I have been previewing some of what we’re writing about in the book in online Zoom workshops. When we taught Healing Attachment Wounds In Relationsh
What If You Want To Grow & Heal But The One You’re With Isn’t Interested?
Some people expect that their romantic relationships will be purely a sanctuary of refuge, a conflict-free zone of safe, nurturing connection, unconditional acceptance, pleasurable fun and joy, and nourishing companionship. Other people approach relationships as a competitive sport with the goalp
A Call To Action For Healers & Creatives In Times Like This
I just got back from Europe after seven weeks teaching and writing overseas. It was surreal to be away from my country during the election, and it feels weird to be back, given all that’s going on. Parts of me are in shock. Other parts are feeling deja vu, since I was in Bali teaching a writing work
Permission To Feel All Your Feelings This Election Day
I feel strangely relieved to be out of the country teaching a writing workshop this election day, as I was during the shocking outcome of the 2016 election. But although I’m in Malta, not California, I am thinking about and praying for the soul of my country every single day of my absence. I am also
Unpacking The Many Lenses On Dysfunctional Relationships
My partner Jeff Rediger and I are in Santorini now, working on co-writing our book about the health implications of narcissistic abuse and personal/ systemic oppression on the body, mind, and spirit. It’s very surreal to be writing in a cafe in Oia, in the very cradle of Western civilization, about
A 911 Call To The American People (& A Request For Prayers From The Rest Of The Free World)
I'm overseas, and my California vote for a Democrat means very little in the grand scheme of things. But even so, I just mailed my ballot from the Maldives to make sure I am part of this historic election, so I can retain my protesting rights if Donald Trump is elected. And yes, I voted for Harris/W
4 Ways To Learn, Grow & Heal
I’m in the midst of a 7-week journey between Europe and Asia, teaching and writing my next book, but I wanted to come up for air to let you know about 4 different offerings on the horizon. Write Your Memoir In Malta The first is my next in-person offering on the island of Gozo in Malta. We’ll be u
Healing Medical Trauma For Our Health Care Providers
Because I used to be a practicing physician, I’ve tried to keep my finger on the pulse of what it’s been like to practice medicine at a time when it’s become more demoralizing than ever. Especially in the wake of the Covid pandemic, the fallout from both the physical and mental health consequences h
How An Intentional Life Review Could Impact Your Whole Life
When my 59 year old physician father was given three months to live four months after he’d already been cured from an altogether different cancer, I asked myself “If I found out I had only three months to live, would I be living the life I’m living right now?” The answer from a deeply intuitive p
The Health-Inducing Behaviors Most People Don’t Consider “Medicine”
I’ve spent most of my career exploring answers to the question “What really makes people sick and what really cures disease?” I thought I’d find those answers in medical school, only to discover that what I spent twelve years rigorously studying and eight years practicing only answered part of th
Doctors Aren’t Burned Out; We’re Morally Injured
I once asked my physician mentor Rachel Naomi Remen, author of Kitchen Table Wisdom and the founder of The Healer’s Art (the only education about actual healing taught in medical schools around the world) what it would take to heal our broken health care system. Rachel said that doctors must refuse
Embracing Change (Without Bypassing All The Feels)
I was supposed to be grieving an empty nest this week. My daughter was supposed to be flying off to her gap year before matriculating at the New York City art school Pratt Institute next fall. I was supposed to be celebrating my daily parts processing partner Emma’s English country wedding while my
An Empty Nest & Why Grief Is Just Love With No Place To Go
As the mother of an 18 year old daughter who just graduated from high school and is waiting for her visa so she can go to Portugal for a gap year, this bit from Brené Brown hits close to home. I empathize with that- the embrace-release cycle. The cycle of holding on tight and then letting go.
How Conflict Avoidance Can Flip Your Moral Compass Upside Down
Today is the last chance to register for Healing Attachment Wounds in Relationship with me and Harvard psychiatrist Jeffrey Rediger. We start tomorrow, so sign up now if you want to join us or have access to the recording. Register for Healing Attachment Wounds In Relationship here. In case yo
The Healing Path To Ending The Displacement Cycle
In the last blog 5 Signs You May Be Displacing Past Trauma Onto Your Partner, we talked about the defense mechanism of “displacement”- and how to tell if you or a partner might be employing this defense. Prior to that, we talked about projection- here and here. Today, we’ll talk about how to heal an
5 Signs You May Be Displacing Past Trauma Onto Your Partner
Picture this. You’re arguing with your partner about something relatively minor. You’ve made a mistake and now things are escalating. You forgot to get the milk she asked you to pick up. You said you were going to plan a date night and then double booked something else without discussing it first. Y
How Do We Stop Projecting & Start Owning Our Mistakes?
In my last blog, How Can You Tell If You Or Your Partner Are Projecting?, we discussed the telltale signs of the defense mechanism of “projection,” when someone projects their own feelings onto others or shifts blame from themselves onto someone else. We also discussed why people tend to project.
How Can You Tell If You Or Your Partner Are Projecting?
As human beings, we are often more complex than we realize. Our minds and hearts are intricately woven together, forming the tapestry of our experiences, beliefs, and emotions. In relationships, these threads can sometimes become tangled, leading us to see our partners not as they truly are but thro
10 Signs That Someone You Love Has Severe Attachment Wounding
If you’re trying to love someone with a significant trauma history, you’ve probably noticed that it’s not always easy on you- the relatively safe attachment figure. It’s nobody’s fault. Trauma begets trauma, and all trauma deserves our compassion. But it is helpful to understand why people with sign
5 Tips For Breaking The Overfunctioning/Underfunctioning Cycle In Relationships
In my last blog- Do You Overfunction Or Underfunction In Relationships - I outlined a common relationship dynamic that can cause distress in relationships in the long run. Overfunctioners often take on responsibilities that are not theirs to take on, or they try to control things that seem out of co
Do You Overfunction or Underfunction In Relationships?
While few people name the pattern, we’ve all seen couples where one person overfunctions, and the other person underfunctions. What do we mean by “functioning?” Dr. Will Meek defined it as “our ability to manage life (make decisions, manage time and stress, etc); to be responsible for the things we
Why I Won’t Keep My Mouth Shut About Politics Right Now
Having watched the entire Democratic National Convention, I woke up the day after Kamala Harris’s inspiringly patriotic nomination acceptance speech finding it hard to understand how we have anything close to a neck-in-neck race for this presidency. It’s hard to imagine that people in this country a
Is Your Medical Problem Really A Marital Problem?
*My partner Jeffrey Rediger, MD, MDiv was supposed to be delivering a TEDx talk about the topic of our next book together last week, but the tech outage that disrupted flights for days made it impossible for him to get there. So...because it was an idea worth spreading- and now it's not happening, I
Is Conflict Avoidance Making You Violate Your Integrity?
I’m preparing curriculum right now for a weekend Zoom workshop I’m teaching in September with my partner Jeff Rediger, called Healing Attachment Wounds In Relationship. The workshop is intended to support those who are more securely attached and trying to love someone with severe attachment trauma.
The Importance Of Getting Your Stories Out Of Your Body & Onto The Page
Stories, especially stories about our most traumatic experiences, tend to take on a life of their own. They often run away with themselves, rendering us helpless. But taking charge of how we tell the story, finding our voice after having been silenced, and being as honest as possible about what happ
Join The Resistance: Kamala Harris For President!
Before I went to Europe for some work and play stuff, Donald Trump and Joe Biden were competing for the 2024 presidency, and nobody I knew was excited to vote for two old white guys, even though one is one of the most effective Presidents we've had in decades and the other is a convicted felon. The
10 Tips For Times Of Transition
As I wrote in Navigating The Space Between Stories, many of us are experiencing more change, more quickly, with more uncertainty, than we’re used to. To meet this need for support during times of change, Dr. Jeffrey Rediger and I are hosting a live, in person healing retreat for health care provider
Navigating The Space Between Stories
Ever since things started opening back up again after the pandemic, I'm very aware of how much change we're all facing. We are definitely in the "space between stories," when one story is definitely in its death throes, and the next story has not yet made itself crystal clear. This space between, th
If You’re The One With Nervous System Privilege Caring For Someone With Disorganized Attachment…
In Understanding Attachment Styles: A Key to Trauma-Informed Dating & Relating, we talked about how understanding your attachment style (and learning to spot the attachment signals of someone else’s attachment style) can make dating easier. We also talked about secure attachment, and why it’s th
Understanding Attachment Styles: Anxious/ Ambivalent Attachment & Trauma-Informed Dating
“I am no longer accepting the things I cannot change. I am changing the things I cannot accept.” -Angela Davis *This post is dedicated to my sister, Keli Rankin Today, as part of celebrating Juneteenth, I wanted to take a moment to reflect back to four years ago, in the Summer of 2020, during
Revisiting Summer 2020 & Black Lives Matter- For Juneteenth
Today, as part of celebrating Juneteenth, I wanted to take a moment to reflect back to four years ago, in the Summer of 2020, during the height of the pandemic, when George Floyd’s murder was videoed and viewed by millions of people, including many white people.
Understanding Attachment Styles: A Key to Trauma-Informed Dating, Part 1
Considering what a risky, potentially activating, possibly fun experience dating can be, I wanted to take some time to discuss how understanding attachment styles might make dating easier, more fruitful, less consuming of time spent on the wrong compatibilities, and less painful, because you’ll take
“White Crow Moments”: The Ecstasies & Risks Of Spiritual Experiences
“If you wish to upset the law that all crows are black, you mustn't seek to show that no crows are; it is enough if you prove one single crow to be white.” ―William James Many people walk through the world mired in the mud of material reality, unilluminated by the mysteries of the sacred. Whe
When You’re Terrified Of Intimacy
I have a soft spot in my heart for people who both crave and fear intimacy. And I especially feel tender towards couples or besties who have disparities in their tolerance for intimacy. It’s a simple fact that some people grow up with good enough parents in loving enough families and wind up wired f
Healing The Broken Heart
Heartbreak is one of the most painful kinds of traumas. When we risk letting our hearts open, we also risk getting our hearts broken. The vulnerability of the open heart, the tenderness of attachment and heart connection, makes us especially raw when someone else betrays our connection or abandons t
Getting Out Of The Power Game
We can't read the news these days without reflecting on power and how those who shamelessly abuse power are destroying the world we know. The way I see it when I enter meditative states and vision a future I'd want to leave to my daughter, humans have been playing power games for as long as we've ex