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Don’t Be Tricked By What You Think Is Intuition, Part 2
In Part 1 of this series, we explored how, to use IFS language, our “parts” can trick us into thinking we’re being guided by intuition or spirit, when really, our parts have an agenda they’re trying to disguise. I promised to offer some guidance on discerning the difference between real intuition, w
Don’t Be Tricked By What You Think Is Intuition, Part 1
I was talking to a friend who gave me permission to share her story in my upcoming book Relationsick about how over-giving, fawning, and people pleasing to an extreme degree led to depletion, burnout, and cancer. I had shared a book with her about how to discover what’s hidden in our shadow- and how
You Can Heal Your “Parts” & Be The Good Enough Primary Attachment Figure You Never Had
I’m new in town, so I’m trying to make new friends and I met someone today who had never heard of IFS. She was a longtime seeker with a tough past who had worked on herself for decades. She’d been in therapy here and there but she hadn’t tried any of the cutting edge methods I’ve been studying for a
How To Heal When Your Perpetrator Expects A Hall Pass: A Step By Step Process
You know the drill. You go to the person who hurt you. You say “When you did x, y, and z, I felt hurt, abandoned, neglected, tortured, betrayed, enraged, devastated, disappointed, misunderstood, invisible, [fill in your emotion.]” The other person either cuts you off before you finish your senten
Need A Peer To Peer IFS Parts Processing Partner?
On Monday, August 11, we’ll be teaching our LOVE SCHOOL participants how to do peer to peer parts processing with Internal Family Systems, as a way to deepen your personal self-help practice of IFS, either on your own, with peer support, or between IFS therapy sessions. I’ve been doing peer to pe
How Spiritual Teachings Can Interfere With Justice
In this week’s LOVE SCHOOL, one of our students raised her hand and asked for help letting go of the rage she felt towards her ex. She’d been looping stories of how she’d been victimized by her ex and was terrified of even thinking of getting into another relationship. When she told me her story, I
Is Internal Family Systems A Cult
By Lissa Rankin, MD, with IFS founder Dick Schwartz & IFS Institute CEO Katie Nelson IFS has grown so much so quickly, and more people than ever have heard about it and are interested in practicing it, which is great. IFS has been a game changer for my healing journey, so it makes me happ
Understanding Defensive Parts Through An IFS Lens, Part 2
In Understanding Defensive Parts Through An IFS Lens, Part 1, we unpacked the various immature defenses that can get in the way of holding ourselves accountable when we’ve made a mistake or done something hurtful. These defenses are often used when trauma causes us to lose touch with the impact of n
Are You A Choice Thief? Or Is Someone Stealing Your Choice?
In intimate relationships, agreements are sacred. They are not just logistical understandings; they are expressions of mutual respect, shared values, and equal power. When two people come to an agreement, especially about something emotionally charged or boundary-laden, it is a moment of harmony, of
Should We Forgive Perpetrators Who Aren’t Sorry?
Many spiritual teachings, self-help messages, and therapies focus on forgiveness as either a spiritual virtue or a way of freeing ourselves from seething resentment and freeing others from the bitterness of our judgments. Forgiveness is viewed as a noble act of grace, a way of letting go of the past
A Key Insight Into Why People You Love Might Be Flaky For Reasons Different Than You Think
We had an agreement, my partner and I. I would sacrifice spending Thanksgiving with my family to be with him and our friends in Boston. In exchange, he would spend Christmas in California with my family. That Thanksgiving in 2023 was our first holiday together, and it was spectacular. I’d never had
Protest IS Patriotic
When I don’t know what to say because I’m in shock at what’s happening in our country, when it would be easier to stay silent than to try to give words to something unnameably unjust, when parts of me want to employ magical thinking, to live in pretend land for just a moment so I can have a bit of f
When The Muse Won’t Stop Nudging You Until You Write What You’re Here To Say
If your muse is relentless, like mine, you know exactly what I’m talking about. Maybe you’ve scribbled poetry on the backs of receipts or filled journals nobody’s ever seen. Maybe you’re the kind of person who processes life by writing about it—grief, rage, joy, awakening—pen in hand, trying to make
Understanding Defensive Parts Through An IFS Lens, Part 1
There’s a moment in every healing journey when we meet the parts of ourselves that are armored up so tight, we can hardly breathe. Therapy is hard enough when we’re focusing on all the ways we’ve been victimized by the people who have hurt us. But it’ll knock the wind out of us when we realize we ma
The 3.5% Rule: Can We Overturn Authoritarianism If 3.5% Of Us Protest?
My partner Dr. Jeffrey Rediger and I attended two No Kings protests in Sebastapol and Santa Rosa. We were even captured in a photo on the front page of our local paper, The Press Democrat! My resisting bitch face with my sign "This Is My Resisting Bitch Face" says it all. And Jeff is the tall bald g
Unpacking The “Why” Of Harmful Relational Behaviors
Let’s be honest. Trauma survivors don’t always behave well. Even if they’re trauma symptom is people-pleasing niceness, that usually rides shotgun with passive aggressive resentment and punishing behaviors that result from poor boundaries and over-giving. But there’s a special kind of acting out tha
The Paradox: You Are The One You’ve Been Waiting For AND You Can’t Heal In Isolation, Part 2
In You Are The One You’ve Been Waiting For (& You Still Need Others), Part 1, I hopefully made the case for why it’s a set up for failure when we expect our intimate loved ones to take responsibility for being the primary caregiver of nurturing comfort, unconditional love, validation, and approv
You Are The One You’ve Been Waiting For (& You Still Need Others), Part 1
Ten years ago, when I first read Internal Family Systems, (IFS) founder Dick Schwartz’s book You Are The One You’ve Been Waiting For, it was a game changer for me. The premise of the book, which is about applying the principles of the IFS model to intimate relationships, rests on the idea that many
The Game Changer That Fundamentally Changed My Life
Like many women, especially those of us who grew up in a religious home, I was indoctrinated at an early age to be a pleasing, compliant good girl who suppressed anger and practiced “unconditional love.” This meant I was supposed to have compassion for the people who perpetrated harm against me, bec
The Best “Get To Know Someone New” Line Ever
I’m new to Sonoma County and actively in pursuit of new friends, new community, and a new sense of belonging. After 17 years of feeling very embedded in my beloved Muir Beach, I feel oddly vulnerable in a town where I barely know anyone. With my new empty nest, with my housemate of 13 years now in N
What Are Your Self-Led Criteria For New Friends Or Dating Partners?
I just moved away from the community I’ve loved for 17 years to follow my partner, Jeff, to a new job in Sonoma County. That means losing daily contact with my neighbors, including my next door neighbor, who does IFS parts processing with me over coffee. It means losing my dance community, easy acce
Why Being Good At Relationships Is Like Tennis (& Why There’s No Shame At Being Unskilled In Relationships)
It’s not your fault if nobody ever taught you how to be in a healthy relationship. If you grew up in a house with at least one selfabsorbed narcissistic parent who didn’t model a healthy, balanced relationship for you. Or even worse, if one of your caregivers was a sadistic sociopath who actually go
Why Telling Your Story Can Help You Get Justice & Heal Injustices
When it comes to healing, justice is big. Many trauma survivors struggle because their childhoods were so unjust, and then because history repeats itself, this often sets them up for relationships and jobs where the injustices play out again. And then there are the injustices of the culture around i
I Can’t Think Of Anything But Those Immigrants
I have a lot going on in my personal life right now. I'm moving out of the Muir Beach home I've inhabited for 17 years of my life, the home where I raised my daughter, who has now left me with an empty nest that is not the home I raised her in. My book edits for my book RELATIONSICK are due May 1 an
Which Parts Show Up Around New People?
As I explained in my blog about IFS-informed Dating and Dating The Day Democracy Died, I learned a ton about myself and my own parts by going on about thirty first dates before I wound up with my current partner Jeffrey Rediger, who I met at a trauma conference we were both keynoting. Even though I
Dating The Day Democracy Almost Died
When I embarked upon my online dating experiment in January 2021 and went on about thirty first dates, I took advantage of the opportunity to write about all my dates and notice which parts of me showed up on each date. I thought I had a pretty stable sense of self but was shocked at what a differen
IFS-Informed Dating: Getting To Know Your “Parts” That Show Up When Dating
Before the pandemic, I’d been intentionally single because I was in a phase of trauma healing recovery that needed me to focus on my own needs and healing. My inclination towards codependent love addiction and making someone else’s needs matter more than my own was such a magnetic pull that I needed
Is It Compassion Or Is It Enabling?
As my partner Jeff Rediger and I just finished writing about in our book Relationsick, compassion might not seem like a health issue, but it’s intimately tied to the health of the body. It turns out that when our bodies act up, the body is a trailhead we are invited to walk down. The thing is, many
What Is Developmental Trauma & How Do You Know If You Experienced It?
I spent the morning today planning curriculum for Mothering As Medicine with pediatrician and ACESAware trauma educator Rachel Gilgoff, MD. We were commiserating on the sorry state of affairs in the mental health world when it comes to adequate trauma screening, expressing frustration at the lack of
It’s Been 5 Years Since Lockdown
It's three days until the 5 year anniversary of lockdown for my hometown. On March 16, 2020, the San Francisco Bay Area was one of the first to close everything. I remember the weirdness viscerally. One luxury remained. Since I live at the beach, I was allowed to walk to the beach. All city dwellers
Do You Or Your Kids Have Too Much Or Not Enough Entitlement? (Take The Quiz)
Kids can grow up with developmental wounds that put them on one end of the unhealthy entitlement spectrum or the other. On one end, kids grow up too entitled. They feel entitled to things they’re not actually entitled to, and this can put them at risk of narcissistic behaviors that stem from too muc
Understanding Cult Dynamics + Why We Need To Keep Our Empathy Instead Of Resorting To “I Told You So”
I’ve been overwhelmed by what’s going on in our country right now and feeling helpless and speechless, while I sort out my own emotions, thoughts, beliefs, and call to action. One thing I know I can offer is psycho-education about narcissism and cult dynamics. Given what’s happening in my country ri
5 Parenting Mistakes We Don’t Even Know We’re Making
In preparation for Mothering As Medicine, the six week Zoom course I’m co-teaching with pediatrician and ACESAware trauma expert Rachel Gilgoff, MD, I’ve been thinking about the experience of being parented and the experience of being a mother, with compassion for both my parents and myself, as well
When It’s Ethical To Control Your Kids- & When It’s Not
I had a controlling mother. She felt entitled to control what I wore, how I did my hair, whether or not I plucked my eyebrows or shaved my legs, what I ate and how much, which teachers were responsible for me at school, which extracurricular activities I participated in, and who I hung out with. She
Do You Rescue Or Prefer To Be Rescued?
If you’re like most people I know, you either fantasize about being rescued- or you identify with being the rescuer. If you look at the history of movies, in traditional heteronormative gender dynamics, the rescuer is the heroic man, rescuing the damsel-in-distress. But as women rise in power and as
Do You Feel Like You Wind Up Parenting Your Partner, Who Then Resents Being Infantalized?
I was recently listening to one of my favorite podcasts, couples therapist Esther Perel’s Where Shall We Begin. In this episode, the woman who is co-parenting with a man is complaining because she feels like she’s carrying far more than her fair share of the weight. All she’s asking him to do is hel
Helping Your Children Heal Their Mommy Wounds
I mostly steer clear of writing about my daughter or our relationship. Because…boundaries. Just because I’ve chosen to put a lot of my vulnerability out there publicly doesn’t mean she has to be part of that. I worry about an entire generation of Mommy bloggers whose kids might grow up some day and
The Sensitive Art Of Relational Rupture & Repair
This morning, I had a small conflict with a friend, who I’ll call Piper. Although I’m on a tight book deadline for a book that’s due February 1, she’s also on a tight deadline to write her essays for her grad school application, and she’d offered to pay me $200 to help her write those essays. I had
The Challenges & Blessings Of Partnering With Someone With A Traumatized Nervous System
My partner Jeffrey Rediger and I are almost done with the manuscript for our first book together about the health implications of unbalanced relationships, which is due February 1 and will come out Spring 2026. We’re also developing the curriculum for a weekend Zoom workshop we’re teaching this upco
When You’re Not Getting Your Needs Met Because The One You Love Is Neurodivergent Or Has Adult ADHD, Part 2
In Part 1 of this series about how to navigate unbalanced relationships when one of you is autistic or has adult ADHD, I told Tara and Bryce’s story and published my letter to Tara. You can read their story and my response to Tara here. After reading my response to Tara, my partner Jeffrey Redige