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The Problem With Modern "Books"
By Chloe Lin Back in the 1800s when someone said they read books, they would be the smartest person in the room. But, today, when someone says they read, it’s well… debatable whether they’re the smartest person in the room. The problem with modern books today is that they’re like a form of brain-rot. So, I’ll be giving the basic context and rating some popular “so-called” BookTok books that are all the rage (currently). (Note: This is not ranked based on any particular order like I would for mea
Elon Musk’s Exercise Regimen
By Elsa BoehmMany people look at Elon Musk’s cybertrucks, but far too few of them take the time to appreciate his cybertruck-inspired frame. As he emerges from the shadows of his tech-bro lair to slice through our government with a chainsaw, people across the world just have just one question for Elon: “How did you get that buff?”Ten years ago, Elon invented Starlink Internet to allow people in rural and low-income areas to appreciate his buffness. However, according to countless Instagram hate
How my Friend is Related to 1940s British Tank Doctrine
By Timothy LimThis incredible story has its roots all the way back in the midst of World War One. The British are about to reveal their grand plan, Plan 1919, where they planned to use a cool, revolutionary strategy where they would have the big heavy, slow tanks break a hole in the enemy's defense and then have the smaller, faster, and lightly armored tanks exploit that gap and cause chaos behind the front lines. They don’t actually get to use this plan, because Germany surrenders before they c
5 Reasons I’m Definitely Not Batman
By Elsa BoehmMany people have accused me of being Batman in the past. They all say: “Elsa, you’re so heroic and muscular, just like Batman.” But I wanted to set the record straight. Though we share a devilish grin, sense of living on the edge, and strong jawline, I am not, in fact, Batman. If you don’t believe me, I totally get it, but here’s why.1. The Batsuit doesn’t fit me (I’m too ripped)First off, Batman doesn’t have these gains. When I’m bulking, nobody can get in my way–not Joker, not Ban
My Trip to Club Panera
By Rose AuneRecently, Panera has been receiving significant media attention for their St. Patrick’s Day promo: green bread bowls. However, I encourage you to look beyond the superficial and focus on the more significant branding move Panera has made: their transition from restaurant to club. But first, some backstory. I am a proud member of what happens to be my most significant and time consuming extracurricular, the Panera Sip Club. As a member of this elite group, I get the red carpet rolled
A Eulogy for Greg, the Class Gecko
By Nate Promer Choked up. That’s the only phrase I can use to describe myself in the wake of the passing of the late Greg, our class’s gecko. Fittingly, “choking up” is also how he died. That’s the kind of well-meaning irony that, even in death, Greg continues to impart upon us all. I first met Greg in the third grade, back when we were both young—back when things were simple. He and I had the kind of chaotic energy that every elementary school duo searches for. I recall one prank in particular
Ranking Brainrot Terms from Skibidi to Rizzler
By Elsa BoehmAs someone with a little brother in elementary school, I have suffered more brainrot-related burns than any human should ever have to go through. Am I too skibidi? Is that even a bad thing? As a result, I’ve taken it upon myself to do some research. Yes, I fell into some dark corners of the internet. Yes, I interviewed nine year-olds. But the point is, I have come up with a groundbreaking, definitive tier ranking of brainrot from “complex absurdist social commentary” to “goofy ahh s
Creative Pranks (happy late April Fool's Day!)
By Kaavya ShahI’m well aware that April Fools has been done and over with by the time this is posted to the website, but what’s a girl to do? Sometimes the best inspiration strikes when you can’t use it anymore. It’s like when you think of the wittiest comeback that would have absolutely gagged your friend like two weeks after whatever tussle you were having. This is a list of all the really creative April Fools Day pranks that I’ve thought of over the years after the day has already passed. I g
CatGPT
By Lillian Gren The Milking Cat: Your Favorite Teen Comedy Magazine (We Are Real People) Welcome to The Milking Cat—the teen lit magazine that’s as unpredictable as your mood swings and twice as chaotic. Founded in 2018 by teens who were probably too caffeinated and inspired by a weird dream about a cat with an agenda, The Milking Cat has rapidly grown into a literary force that refuses to conform to society’s rules. (Or any rules, really.) Meet our Mascot, Tucker!We feature everything from grit
[LEAKED] Crumbl Cookie Menu March 21-March 27, Year 3019
Scrambled Chocolate EggAfter all chickens were eradicated after a particularly dreary bout of avian flu in 2025, this cookie will take you back to the good ol’ days, filled with sunny-side-up mornings. This perfect breakfast treat will brighten your day with decadent, Scrambled Chocolate inclusions. With a full 3200 calories and 290 grams of included sugar, this cookie provides the perfect sugar high to any student needing that extra boost to make it through the day.Pizza Clump ft. LunchlyBefore
Someone Needs to Stop Duolingo’s PR Team
By Siona KirschnerIn case you have somehow managed to avoid downloading Duolingo, all you need to know to understand this piece is that there’s a 99.9% chance the terrifying green owl is a million times worse than your creepiest ex. He guilt trips, he threatens, he sends his friends to talk to you, he sends your friends to talk to you. All if he doesn’t hear from you for a single day. Unfortunately, I am very susceptible as proven by my 273 day streak and the presence of the Duolingo widget on m
Types of People in Silent Study
By Siona KirschnerIf you’re unfamiliar with the concept, silent study is a designated room that’s pretty much what it sounds like (you study, silently). As you are probably aware, these are both concepts that are greatly difficult for your average high school student, inspiring me to list a few of the behaviors this difficulty can manifest into.1. The (unintentionally) Loud One: The door slams when she walks in, then she forgets to connect her headphones before blasting Superache at full volume
What Your Favorite Social Media App Says About You
By Kaavya Shah Pretty straightforward, so let’s get into it!P.S I may be biased but that’s okayTikTokEven though TikTok is annoyingly called “the clock app” by millennials who were told they were funny once by their mom and just ran with it, if your favorite social media app is TikTok, I have a sneaky feeling you actually are funny! Congratulations, you’re better than Millennial Marge! Even though your brain is 90% brainrot and 10% actual knowledge, you’re pretty cool and most people want to be
The Lukewarm “Hot” Takes I Use to Get Attention and Come Off as Unique
By Siona KirschnerAs I have most likely previously discussed, my true number one goal in life is to come off as quirky and unique. I also derive shocking amounts of joy from arguing over inconsequential topics over which I have confidence no one will actually get mad at me. Below, I have put some of my opinions that most effectively accomplish these goals when brought up. 1. I hate avocados. Truly, I despise them. It’s to the point that I truly cannot understand the joy anyone, especially my fel
How to Write a Modern Romance Novel
By Rose AuneCast: PROTAGONIST: should be 4’5”, 90 pound waif in her early twenties, with some defining characteristic like “copper-blonde hair that shines in the sun” or an “impish smile.” THE LOVE INTEREST: At least 6’ 5”, preferably taller, and at least five years older than the heroine. Infinitely strong, smart, and wealthy. Has far more dating experience than the protagonist. Bonus points if an ex gets to pop up somewhere in the story. THE FRIEND: Must be much less attractive than the protag
Hegémon
By Cyrus SarfatyHave you ever felt that the world was not complete? Are other nations desperately needing your country's influence?Introducing Hegémon... the trading card game with only one superpower: YOU.Every player starts out as a fledgling low-income nation, rife with political instability and subpar natural resource reserves. They speak their own unique language and practice one-of-a-kind cultural traditions that are "foreign" to all others, competitors on the international arena or not. P
Rekindling Relationship with Sourdough
By Nathaniel PromerIt’s been five years since the honeymoon. She blew up on the New York Times and now feels like she's struggling to stay relevant. You just want to help her through it. I get it. I’ve been there too. Sourdough starters are hard to make, and even harder to maintain. You need to keep her fed, and you know how pricey that gets. Sourdough has the tendency to fall out of love with you. Some days she’s cold; others, warm. With Valentine's Day right around the corner, I’d like to shar
Birthday Gifts I Don’t Want to See
By Rose AuneOutlandish Makeup: Double-check the last time I’ve worn “Positively Plum” lipstick before you buy this one for me. Regifts: You didn’t like this broccoli spiralizer. Neither do I, but the broccoli bits do add some authenticity. Animals: Thank you for the new responsibility….now I have to figure out how to care for Coco Chanel Divalicious. Fake Designer: A Louid Voution handbag? So exclusive it doesn’t exist.Candy: Is it October?Textbooks: No explanation needed. Gym Membership: What a
Live - Tides mysteriously advancing up the earth. Is the end nigh?
Timothy Lim8:00 AM - Scientists have confirmed reports that the Pacific Ocean is slowly crawling up the California coast. Measurements of sea level in California have trended higher and higher over the last hour, and the average sea level has already increased by 3 inches across the entire coastline.10:17 AM - Sea levels across California have risen by 2 inches; scientists cannot give a definitive answer to when the water will stop advancing. Many people are worried by this. One woman, John Ferr
The Big Bad Wolf’s PR Campaign
By Chloe Lin“I know, I know, I’ve been the Big Bad Wolf for so long, but I feel as if it’s time for some rebranding, don’t ya think?”Three pairs of wide eyes blinked up at him. The wolf opened his mouth to smile wide, but the three little pigs in front of him flinched back with unease. “Um,” the eldest pig pushed his glasses up the ridge of his nose. “We’re… The Three Little Pigs, the big marketing company you terrorized for years? Why would you need us now?”The wolf snapped his teeth. “Don’t be
New Semester, Same Drama
By Kaavya Shah With the beginning of the second semester, it has come time to announce to everyone that I’m on my academic comeback. Will it actually come to fruition? Will I ever get an A in physics? That’s for me to find out. Besides gaslighting myself into thinking that I will wake up as the smartest person on Earth one day, the beginning of new semester also means I get new classes, one of them being sports and entertainment marketing. Why did I take this class? I have absolutely no idea, bu
2024 Dental Care Wrapped
By Tekle Skiles-JanutaThis year, you brushed your teeth 474 times. That’s more than 55% of toothbrush users!You also flossed 17 times.That puts you in the top 7% of flossers!Your best month of toothbrushing was January, with 81 toothbrushing sessions.During this month, your top reasons were New Year’s Resolutions, Improved Sleep due to winter break, and a Dentist’s Appointment that had been pushed from August 2023.Your worst month for dental care was November, with 38 toothbrushing sessions. Dur
World of Weird Withdrawals
By Kaavya ShahMy mom laughingly apologized to me after getting a bit annoyed that I wasn’t making her coffee fast enough. She said, and I quote, “Sorry, I just get a bit hangry, but for coffee. I don’t know if there’s a word for that.”And then I said, and I quote, “There is. It’s called withdrawal.”Hilarious anecdote aside, this got me thinking about other mundane objects that people get “hangry” for, or have withdrawals from if they don’t have them. 1. PerfumeHave you ever met someone that forg
The Cheesesteak Bomber
By Jason AltmanThe news was so depressing these days. All that was covered was politics and crime. Today, they were talking about the 14 deaths related to who they were calling, “The Cheesesteak Bomber.” Apparently, 14 people received a note in the mail saying they needed to eat a cheesesteak in the next 24 hours, or they would explode.Unfortunately, either none of them had believed the note, or somehow they were unable to eat a cheesesteak. I don’t know how that’s possible, since we live in Phi
14 Things to Avoid as a Teenage Driver
By Tekle Skiles-Januta1: CurbsJust in case your time in a go-kart has misled you, a commercial vehicle does not respond to curbs the same way. As someone who has learned this the hard way, be warned. 2: Cyber TrucksThese nightmare truck-oids look fresh out of the Actor Bahn’s secret service. To prolong training the four horses of the technological singularity, steer clear of these cars.3: School parking lotsUnderclassmen: it is no news that seniors are awfully protective of their “babies” (scrap
Dog Breeds if They Had Corporate Office Jobs
By Siona KirschnerPomeranian: The pomeranian would definitely have a different Stanley for every day of the week (with accessories to match). You really want to hate her because of a mix of internalized misogyny and rage towards our culture of overconsumption, but it’s hard to because she’s actually really sweet and shockingly efficient and skilled at her job.Golden Retriever: Somewhat the opposite of the pomeranian in that you want to like him because you feel like you’re supposed to, but you a
Middle-Aged Dad ER
By Cyrus Sarfaty INT. OPERATING ROOMThree nurses– eager to operate and fresh out of med school– are crouched together, performing what seems to be open-heart surgery over a splayed-out body. A heart-rate monitor beeps ever faster.NURSE 1Someone hand me that tourniquet! The patient is bleeding all over!NURSE 2Isn’t that normal?NURSE 1You think this is normal? The blood’s dripping onto my shoes!NURSE 3Oh God!NURSE 1Hand me the damn tourniquet!NURSE 2A tourniquet won’t help! I think we’d be risking
My Impassioned Argument for Why You Should Procrastinate More
By Siona Kirschner Due to societal pressures and extreme propaganda, we have all been bamboozled into believing that procrastination is a problem. It is not. In fact, there is arguably no greater blessing bestowed upon us than our ability to procrastinate. It’s an endless gift: a true expression of agency and free will, the thing that gives us the opportunity to prove to ourselves that we’re just “good under pressure”, and our way to excuse our refusal to sleep. I honestly think I already said e
An Immortal Lobster
By Timothy Lim A lobster is functionally immortal. Under the proper conditions, it could keep growing far past its lifespan of 100 years. The only thing that prevents it from becoming immortal are the limitations of its lobsterous being. Unlike humans, lobsters do not have skin that expands with them as they grow. Instead, they have a hard shell called an exoskeleton, that they shed and replace with a larger exoskeleton every once in a while. The issue with this is that after a certain period of
Funniest Star Wars Scenes
By Kaavya ShahI feel like Star Wars is one of those movie sagas you just have to watch. I always see nods to the franchise in pop culture, there’s so much Star Wars merch and other TV shows related to Star Wars, and there’s a whole Star Wars park at Universal Studios in Florida. It doesn’t matter if you’ve seen Star Wars or not, you’ve definitely heard of Darth Vader or have a vague idea of what a lightsaber looks like. To me, it always felt inescapable, so I decided to put the age old stereotyp