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The Secret Diary of Gerald, H Mart Tank Halibut
By Collin KimDay 1,247 in the Glass BoxMy name is Gerald, and I'm what humans call a "premium halibut." I prefer "aquatic intellectual," but nobody asked me. I've been living in this H Mart seafood tank long enough to become a cultural anthropologist. H Mart, for those unaware, is America's largest Korean grocery chain—basically the cultural lifeline for Korean Americans. I'm swimming in an icon.The Customer CategoriesThe Halmeoni: Korean grandmothers who examine me like I'm a precious gem. One
The Milking Cat x BALLS: The Monster-Catchin' Musical Comedy
The Milking Cat is super excited to do a collaboration with BALLS: The Monster-Catchin' Musical Comedy. The show is an original, pop-up interactive musical comedy, with moments of improvisation and action scenes. This comic, drawn by Esme, one our illustrators, features characters from the show. Learn more about BALLS: The Musical with this press release: https://www.broadwayworld.com/off-broadway/article/BALLS-The-Monster-Catchin-Musical-Comdy-Extends-Through-August-at-Caveat-NYC-20250512 BAL
Rating Choir Room Posters
By Siona KirschnerAs a former choir kid, I have a rich history of staring at the posters in the choir room in an attempt to look casual while avoiding That One SopranoTM. Unfortunately, this had an inconsistent success rate in terms of my goal, but a very consistent success rate in terms of leaving me with a feeling of unease.1. “Shoot For The Moon. Even if You Miss, You’ll Land Among The Stars.”: 0/10While I understand that from an objective standpoint, this poster is fairly banal and unobjecti
Diary Entry by Potato (THE Guinea Pig Queen)
By Chloe LinDear Diary,Today I woke up at 4:00 am before the crack of dawn because I’m just so snazzy like that. I sat around and basically did nothing because there's nothing to do in this cage (except chuck my feces outside the cage walls sometimes, just for fun, teehee), but then I promptly decided to eat some crispy green hay. BEFORE YOU ASK ME, NO, I am NOT a horse. OR a sheep. OR a cow. OR… whatever! You wouldn’t understand, Diary, you’re just a bunch of flat white lettuce pieces tied toge
From The Mouth Of My Marketing Teacher
By Kaavya ShahI’ve written a couple of articles about my marketing class, mostly because it’s the wildest class I’ve ever taken in my life. Every time I walk into second period, it feels like a side quest because to tell you the truth, I don’t even like marketing that much. I was totally on another planet when I was making my schedule and I picked that class. But, even though the content of the class isn’t that interesting to me, my teacher keeps my interest long enough to make me stay awake. Th
Helpful Promposal Suggestions
By Siona KirschnerWith promposal season upon us, I personally have been wanting to see a lot more creativity. Quite frankly, this year’s promposals just aren’t going to cut it. To take action and help solve the problem of disappointingly boring promposals, I’ve taken it upon myself to create a helpful list of ideas. 1. The Acceptance Letter Dupe Fake an acceptance letter from your promposee’s dream school. You need to stay on guard with watching them throughout the day so you can be there righ
The Problem With Modern "Books"
By Chloe Lin Back in the 1800s when someone said they read books, they would be the smartest person in the room. But, today, when someone says they read, it’s well… debatable whether they’re the smartest person in the room. The problem with modern books today is that they’re like a form of brain-rot. So, I’ll be giving the basic context and rating some popular “so-called” BookTok books that are all the rage (currently). (Note: This is not ranked based on any particular order like I would for mea
Elon Musk’s Exercise Regimen
By Elsa BoehmMany people look at Elon Musk’s cybertrucks, but far too few of them take the time to appreciate his cybertruck-inspired frame. As he emerges from the shadows of his tech-bro lair to slice through our government with a chainsaw, people across the world just have just one question for Elon: “How did you get that buff?”Ten years ago, Elon invented Starlink Internet to allow people in rural and low-income areas to appreciate his buffness. However, according to countless Instagram hate
5 Reasons I’m Definitely Not Batman
By Elsa BoehmMany people have accused me of being Batman in the past. They all say: “Elsa, you’re so heroic and muscular, just like Batman.” But I wanted to set the record straight. Though we share a devilish grin, sense of living on the edge, and strong jawline, I am not, in fact, Batman. If you don’t believe me, I totally get it, but here’s why.1. The Batsuit doesn’t fit me (I’m too ripped)First off, Batman doesn’t have these gains. When I’m bulking, nobody can get in my way–not Joker, not Ban
How my Friend is Related to 1940s British Tank Doctrine
By Timothy LimThis incredible story has its roots all the way back in the midst of World War One. The British are about to reveal their grand plan, Plan 1919, where they planned to use a cool, revolutionary strategy where they would have the big heavy, slow tanks break a hole in the enemy's defense and then have the smaller, faster, and lightly armored tanks exploit that gap and cause chaos behind the front lines. They don’t actually get to use this plan, because Germany surrenders before they c
My Trip to Club Panera
By Rose AuneRecently, Panera has been receiving significant media attention for their St. Patrick’s Day promo: green bread bowls. However, I encourage you to look beyond the superficial and focus on the more significant branding move Panera has made: their transition from restaurant to club. But first, some backstory. I am a proud member of what happens to be my most significant and time consuming extracurricular, the Panera Sip Club. As a member of this elite group, I get the red carpet rolled
Ranking Brainrot Terms from Skibidi to Rizzler
By Elsa BoehmAs someone with a little brother in elementary school, I have suffered more brainrot-related burns than any human should ever have to go through. Am I too skibidi? Is that even a bad thing? As a result, I’ve taken it upon myself to do some research. Yes, I fell into some dark corners of the internet. Yes, I interviewed nine year-olds. But the point is, I have come up with a groundbreaking, definitive tier ranking of brainrot from “complex absurdist social commentary” to “goofy ahh s
A Eulogy for Greg, the Class Gecko
By Nate Promer Choked up. That’s the only phrase I can use to describe myself in the wake of the passing of the late Greg, our class’s gecko. Fittingly, “choking up” is also how he died. That’s the kind of well-meaning irony that, even in death, Greg continues to impart upon us all. I first met Greg in the third grade, back when we were both young—back when things were simple. He and I had the kind of chaotic energy that every elementary school duo searches for. I recall one prank in particular
Creative Pranks (happy late April Fool's Day!)
By Kaavya ShahI’m well aware that April Fools has been done and over with by the time this is posted to the website, but what’s a girl to do? Sometimes the best inspiration strikes when you can’t use it anymore. It’s like when you think of the wittiest comeback that would have absolutely gagged your friend like two weeks after whatever tussle you were having. This is a list of all the really creative April Fools Day pranks that I’ve thought of over the years after the day has already passed. I g
CatGPT
By Lillian Gren The Milking Cat: Your Favorite Teen Comedy Magazine (We Are Real People) Welcome to The Milking Cat—the teen lit magazine that’s as unpredictable as your mood swings and twice as chaotic. Founded in 2018 by teens who were probably too caffeinated and inspired by a weird dream about a cat with an agenda, The Milking Cat has rapidly grown into a literary force that refuses to conform to society’s rules. (Or any rules, really.) Meet our Mascot, Tucker!We feature everything from grit
[LEAKED] Crumbl Cookie Menu March 21-March 27, Year 3019
Scrambled Chocolate EggAfter all chickens were eradicated after a particularly dreary bout of avian flu in 2025, this cookie will take you back to the good ol’ days, filled with sunny-side-up mornings. This perfect breakfast treat will brighten your day with decadent, Scrambled Chocolate inclusions. With a full 3200 calories and 290 grams of included sugar, this cookie provides the perfect sugar high to any student needing that extra boost to make it through the day.Pizza Clump ft. LunchlyBefore