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The Miscellany News - Humor & Satire - Cheezy
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Horoscopes – The Miscellany News
Aries Everyone is looking forward to hearing you sing in the shower this week. If I were you, I’d start taking requests now. Maybe invest in one of those toy plastic microphones? The louder, the better! Taurus This week, you’re going to knock over a chair in the Deece (humiliating). Probabl
MAGA high schooler attempts coup after losing election – The Miscellany News
Ninth-grader Bobby Jones addressed a crowd of his classmates outside of Lincoln High School in rural Pennsylvania, just hours after he was informed he had come in fourth place in the race for next year’s class president. The group of students consisted of nine freshmen who all stood holding “Stop Th
Zoos end conservation programs for ‘ugly’ and ‘gross’ animals – The Miscellany News
The world of wildlife conservation was rocked late last week after a coalition of Association of Zoos and Aquariums (AZA) zoos announced an end to conservation programs for animals they deemed “ugly,” “nasty,” “creepy” or otherwise “gross.” “For too long,” said the press report, “we have wasted
Student explores drinking the Deece ice cream water – The Miscellany News
[Disclaimer: This article was written before the recent passing of Pope Francis.] A couple Thursdays ago, during the dinner rush at the Deece, I was catching a meal with all of the boys from my Stufel group. I was telling everybody this story about how I opened the door to the wrong dorm room by
A rock’s tale: A Bildungsroman in one act. – The Miscellany News
Dear Vassar, It is I, Rock. That is, a Rock. Vassar, I watched you when you were young, a small college, growing cows from the ground, drawing honey from the beehives. I have dreamed of your plans to raise goats, and your plan to turn students into more goats, and your plan to turn the goats back
Miss Likki juices up a storm – The Miscellany News
My friends and I are no strangers to the art of juice. At any given moment in our TH, our fridge will be stacked with nectars of your wildest imagination. I’m talking about Capri-Sun multipacks (with an emphasis on the undoubtedly best flavor, Pacific Cooler), Newman’s Own Orange Mango-Tango, apple
Evil admitted students day looms large – The Miscellany News
You all may have noticed a hoard of high school seniors descending upon campus on our snowy day last week. Admitted students day is a time honored tradition that allows the newest batch of Vassar College students to look at campus with their parents, enjoy sandwiches that the Deece has once a year a
Horoscopes – The Miscellany News
Aries When I was four years old, my mom took me to a play: a comedic farce about a man getting fired from his job. I, being four years old, thought the man was about to be incinerated live on stage. I bawled so hard my mom had to drag me out of the theater. The lesson of this story is this week
Vassar to microchip students; campus trembles in fear – The Miscellany News
Vassar College has announced plans to implant microchips in students that will zap them when they walk the wrong way in the Deece dishroom. This decision comes after years of the dining staff being “sick and tired” of the traffic and congestion in the dishroom. “I have had it up to here with you
Wild Ceramics: The Kiln Pit – The Miscellany News
The Miscellany News, one of the oldest collegiate weeklies in the country, has been the student newspaper of Vassar College since 1866. Produced by over sixty student volunteers, The Miscellany News sets Vassar’s standard for reporting, creative thinking, exemplary writing and journalistic excellenc
Rowing team to become pedaling team – The Miscellany News
After a fantastic performance at their April 5 regatta, the Vassar Rowing team says they are ready for a new challenge: Pedaling. In a shocking move, Vassar Crew has decided to replace all their boats with pedal boats and become a pedaling team. “Yeah, I mean, we’ve essentially mastered rowing, a
Nick reviews the McDonald’s Minecraft meal – The Miscellany News
Last month, I told The Misc Editor-in-Chief Allen Hale that I was retiring from food reviews, and he didn’t take it well. But, it was a bad time, so we tabled the discussion for another time. Well, last week I got a call from him, and the tone was full of Hale’s typical placidity: “Nick, I’m losi
Horoscopes – The Miscellany News
Aries Keep an eye out for people screaming that they want to kill you this week. I get the sense that they may not have your best interest at heart? Taurus Looks like you’re gonna choke on a cherry tomato this week. Better cut them up into quarters like a stupid little baby. Gemini I
Trump to replace Air Force One with flying Cybertruck – The Miscellany News
President Donald J. Trump announced on Wednesday that the 72-year tradition of flying top government officials on Air Force One would be coming to an end. “Today marks a tremendous day for America. The U.S. government has commissioned Tesla to make a custom flying Cybertruck that will replace th
Headline: Horseoscopes – The Miscellany News
Aries We’ve all heard “you can take a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink.” I’m so sorry for the scourge of people trying to force you to drink. Has anyone ever thought, “Perhaps the horse has a reason not to want to drink?” Something to ponder… Taurus The stars really wante
Quidditch team stages hostile takeover of ferry house – The Miscellany News
This Monday, a horrific act of violence took place at approximately 12:34 a.m., when Vassar Quidditch seized control of Ferry House in a shocking act of wand-waggling aggression. In a night that will go down in infamy as “The Quaffle Quagmire,” the Ferry residents and all of their various meat repla
PB straight-up kidnapped by swarm of bats – The Miscellany News
In a shocking turn of events that is neither precedented nor particularly relevant to pressing current events, Vassar has had to say goodbye to the president we all love to rag on. Not because she died, though—President Bradley (PB) has just been carried away by a swarm of bats, never to be seen aga
Vassar to debut new therapy beetles – The Miscellany News
With the percentage of students reporting stress at an all-time high, Vassar College is debuting an innovative pilot program designed to provide succor and support to students struggling with general and school-related stress and anxiety. The program, which is under the auspices of the College’s
Vassar to do nothing about Noyes asbestos problem – The Miscellany News
Vassar College has announced it will do nothing about the asbestos within the walls of Noyes. The asbestos was discovered when plans were made to renovate the east side bathrooms of the dorm. Initially, the College discussed removing the asbestos but eventually decided to just leave it alone. “T
Top scientists advise public to give up on dreams – The Miscellany News
We all want to be better today than we were yesterday. But recent research indicates that it might be harder than you think: in fact, self-improvement for the overwhelming majority of the planet Earth seems to be almost impossible. Neuroscientists at the Institute for Applied Ontology have recently
The Miscellany News Asks: Is your dentist weird? – The Miscellany News
All week, the only question I’ve been asked is, “What did you do over break?” From professors, classmates, friends, enemies. Let’s set aside the fact that I already know what you did over break—I saw your Instagram post from Puerto Rico. Why ask the question if you don’t want the answer? “I went to
John Bradley to start ‘John-day Email’ – The Miscellany News
Most Vassar students are familiar with President Elizabeth Bradley (PB)’s famous Sunday emails, in which PB takes the time to inform her queendom on the various goings-on and goings-to-be around campus. At the end of every weekend, I, like many others, await with bated breath that exhilarating email
Dean Luis accidentally adds Misc EiC to the admin group chat – The Miscellany News
Last Sunday evening, Dean of Student Living and Wellness Luis Inoa added me to a Snapchat group chat entitled “secret Vassar admin group chat (shhhhhh omg don’t tell anybody!!!!).” I initially thought this was some sort of tricky trick against the all-powerful Editor-in-Chief (EiC) of the Misc as it
Plot Hole – The Miscellany News
The Miscellany News, one of the oldest collegiate weeklies in the country, has been the student newspaper of Vassar College since 1866. Produced by over sixty student volunteers, The Miscellany News sets Vassar’s standard for reporting, creative thinking, exemplary writing and journalistic excellenc
To pack or not pack: Traveling with dignity – The Miscellany News
Nicholas Tillinghast/The Miscellany News. I’m what you might call an overpacker from the standpoint of and in regard to traveling. I pack more than I need and then some (pause for laughter). There’s an indignity in struggling to lug around far more bags than one needs for, say, a two-week vacatio
President Bradley’s plot to BRING THE BOOM to Vassar – The Miscellany News
Dearest readers, I come to you today with a rather shocking piece of super hot goss from the desk of none other than the one, the only, President Elizabeth Bradley. This lascivious tale was shared with me by my long term, ultra-confidential, ultra-close to PB source, an anonymous operative known onl
March Sadness: A March Madness update – The Miscellany News
I like watching basketball, but more than that, I like gambling. March Madness is my time to shine. My family does a March Madness pool every year for the men’s tournament ($10 entry and the winner takes all) and I’ve won two years in a row. Unfortunately, things are not looking so hot this year. Th
I think something’s a little weird about my roommate – The Miscellany News
Me and my roommate Beelzebub have gotten along pretty well for most of the year, but since we came back from break, I feel like he’s been acting kind of strangely. I mean, he’s always been eccentric—constantly leaving grimoires lying around and stuff—but this week, things have really gone to another
Horoscopes – The Miscellany News
Aries Tread lightly my friend. The stars have indicated that the start of spring at Vassar is bringing you nothing but danger. This week, don’t approach any hammocks. Honestly, you can’t really avoid it, you’re going to trip over a hammock and hit your head on a tree and be humiliated. Sorry abou
The five summer jobs you applied for this year – The Miscellany News
As we make our way through the spring, many internship and job applications are finally starting to get back to us. In fact, your friend who always seems to have their shit together already heard back from a prestigious internship that somehow also pays like 80 bucks an hour. But recently, I’ve had
Roommate Quarrels – The Miscellany News
The Miscellany News, one of the oldest collegiate weeklies in the country, has been the student newspaper of Vassar College since 1866. Produced by over sixty student volunteers, The Miscellany News sets Vassar’s standard for reporting, creative thinking, exemplary writing and journalistic excellenc
How to have a romantic Deece dining experience – The Miscellany News
Good evening! My name is Miss Likki, but tonight, you may call me Chef Likki. I’m a professional taste connoisseur. I’ve dined in cities all across the globe. I’ve even had sex a couple of times. You can say I'm a master in the art of flavor and high speed experiences. But alas, Poughkeepsie is n
Washers and dryers weigh in on the free laundry bill – The Miscellany News
The Vassar Student Association (VSA) recently passed a bill to provide free laundry for all students starting in Fall 2025. This weekend, I caught up with a few campus washers and dryers to hear their thoughts on the big change. I found one laundry machine, Four from Raymond Basement, smoking ci
[Students] Public Health Notice – Fish Flu – The Miscellany News
To the Vassar Community, We are writing with a public health notice. As you may know, cases of avian flu (bird flu) have been detected in the United States recently, and we have been taking full precautions against it on campus. Recently, a new strain of the flu has been discovered: piscine flu,
Horoscopes – The Miscellany News
Aries Midterm panic is setting in, I know. Luckily, the stars have made me privy to some excellent study spots and hacks for the week ahead. Not for you though, Aries, you guys are totally screwed. Maybe just look at some transfer applications? Clown college? Taurus If you want to slam out
Uproot Vol. 2 – Nice To Seed You – The Miscellany News
The Miscellany News, one of the oldest collegiate weeklies in the country, has been the student newspaper of Vassar College since 1866. Produced by over sixty student volunteers, The Miscellany News sets Vassar’s standard for reporting, creative thinking, exemplary writing and journalistic excellenc
New events to have parking restrictions for – The Miscellany News
At exactly 9 o’clock on Sunday morning, students received a Vassar Alert via email, text and carrier pigeon, alerting them that Snow Event parking restrictions had been lifted, and that they were thereby free to resume parking as usual. With little to no snow expected in Poughkeepsie in the coming w