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The Miscellany News - Humor & Satire - Cheezy
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Horoscopes 10/9 – The Miscellany News
Aries: Do not worry, you will get your work done! You will snooze your alarms, you will dilly-dally with your pals, you will pick up new hobbies, you will adopt a deer, get bitten by a tick, safely remove the tick and STILL have time to do your work. How do you do it? Teach us your ways. Libra:
Portland in shambles: From Vassar to the war zone – The Miscellany News
Facial piercings littering the sidewalks like ammunition rounds. Oatmilk, spilt and spoiled, crusted dry over asphalt. Feminist bookstores reduced to ash, the singed words of Judith Butler blown through alleyways on a wayward breeze, like the final breath of an unkept promise. This is Trump’s Am
Omnipotence incredibly overrated, reports Vassar junior – The Miscellany News
“I really wish more of my problems could be solved by just utterly removing them from existence," lamented Madison Deruvin ʼ27 in a recent interview with The Miscellany News. She continued, stating, “Oh, I suppose I should explain what I mean,” before turning to a random stranger and whispering some
Misc canceled for Greek yogurt embezzlement – The Miscellany News
There we were, sunbathing in the Nircle after our Pulitzer win for Pea Milk coverage. Then, out of the blue, we saw a light from above. Someone had sent up our version of a bat signal: a silhouette of Jamaican ramen concept. We had to respond. The signal came from the Deece. When we arrived, the
Kash Patel pinky promises he is doing a good job – The Miscellany News
The Director of the Federal Bureau of Investigations (FBI), Kash Patel, held a press conference in Utah on Wednesday to address concerns about his response to the assassination of Charlie Kirk. Patel was selected to lead the nation’s top investigation agency in February, despite having little experi
Bigfoot opens up about his run for mayor – The Miscellany News
Much attention has been paid to the upcoming mayoral election in NYC, and for good reason. Still, as an advocate for local political involvement, I would be remiss not to bring attention to another equally contested race, far closer to home—the 2025 election for Mayor of the Woods. We spoke to would
Horoscopes – The Miscellany News
Aries PUT THE PAPER DOWN. NOW. I’M SERIOUS. Oh gosh, I apologize for yelling. You were about to get a papercut right on your finger crotch! You’ve avoided it for now, but it’s coming for you… Taurus The next time you’re on the Metro North, make sure you bring a sick bag. Your tummy may sta
New cannibalism station opens in Gordon Commons – The Miscellany News
On Tuesday, Gordon Commons opened its newest station, “Human,” which serves meat products derived from Homo sapiens. The station is one of many new initiatives aimed at helping Vassar students expand their diet. An official statement from Bon Appétit notes that “Gordon Commons has always strived
Looking beyond Fat Bear Week: lizards, rats, ‘roos, oh my! – The Miscellany News
Fat Bear Week is an annual event held by the Katmai National Park and Preserve in Alaska to celebrate the pre-hibernation weight gain of Alaska’s many, many brown bears. The fattest bear of them all wins a prize of all-you-can-eat salmon. However, why should bears get all the attention? Other animal
Horoscopes – The Miscellany News
Aries Your week is going to be totally WAC! That’s right! The New York City Watershed Agricultural Council is going to acquire a permanent easement on your farmland, preventing land development to safeguard NYC’s water quality. Taurus You have a LOT of stuff to get done this week; it seem
A literary analysis of how I’m gonna whoop your ass – The Miscellany News
Hey! You! Yeah, you, Dirk Masters! It’s me, the heart-eating pro-wrestler who’s gonna get medieval on your ass this Friday at Clobbermania. And I don’t mean high medieval, neither. The Literator is gonna get early Middle Ages this Friday, Old English and all, and you better believe that my translati
‘Performative Male Contest’ was plot to harvest pea milk – The Miscellany News
So, who wants to know what pea milk is? We did. To delve into the mysterious "Product In Transit” sign on the Deece’s newest machine, we sucked on the udder-of-truth to answer the questions students were asking. Pea milk: noun. The Oxford English Dictionary describes the substance as a milky jui
The Anniversary of Wild Ceramics – The Miscellany News
The Miscellany News, one of the oldest collegiate weeklies in the country, has been the student newspaper of Vassar College since 1866. Produced by over sixty student volunteers, The Miscellany News sets Vassar’s standard for reporting, creative thinking, exemplary writing and journalistic excellenc
How to Play Rugby: a spectator’s definitive guide – The Miscellany News
Last Saturday, I had the privilege of attending my first rugby game, where our very own women’s rugby team mercilessly took down that of Syracuse University. As Vassar triumphed, Syracuse cried orange tears. Cry me an orange juice river—am I right? Haha. Jokes aside, it was a very moving event t
Horoscopes 9/18 – The Miscellany News
Aries An acorn is going to fall right on your head this week. It may concuss you, it may not, who am I to say, really? What I do know is you’re going to have to fight the acorn. Godspeed. Taurus You should enjoy the weather this week by planning a perfect fall day. Wear a cute sweater, eat
An exclusive interview with the Great Halloween Spirit – The Miscellany News
Note this interview has been condensed and all claims that herpes stems from the consumption of watermelon (it came up more than you might think) have been removed. Any insults and name-calling by the Great Halloween Spirit do not reflect the views of the Legit Press of New York. LPNY: Great Hall
Perfect woman achieves dreams, unsure what comes next – The Miscellany News
Breaking News! Kamila Garcia, Class of ’26, is unable to determine what to do next with her life. Kamila is currently known for being the youngest and only person to ever win, while still an undergraduate, Nobel Prizes in Physics, Chemistry, Physiology and Literature. Afterwards, she decided to re-f
Adventurer ventures deep into the library – The Miscellany News
Vassar’s library is an institution on campus, an iconic sight along the world-famous and instantly recognizable Poughkeepsie skyline. And although a library is a place to answer questions, something about this library raises more questions than answers. First and foremost: Why so many books? Where d
Uproot Vol. 3: Throwing Shade – The Miscellany News
The Miscellany News, one of the oldest collegiate weeklies in the country, has been the student newspaper of Vassar College since 1866. Produced by over sixty student volunteers, The Miscellany News sets Vassar’s standard for reporting, creative thinking, exemplary writing and journalistic excellenc
Horoscopes 9/11 – The Miscellany News
Aries You might meet someone with the last name Burbank this week, like Truman Burbank of “The Truman Show.” Kind of a weird name in my opinion. It’s like if a bank was cold. Also, you have to duel them to the death. Sorry! Out of my hands :( Taurus Ugh, this is such a bummer thing to hav
Surviving Freshman Fall: The Definitive Guide – The Miscellany News
Rejoice, class of ’29! I, Wren Buehler, Assistant Humor Editor of The Miscellany News and aspiring advice columnist, have taken it upon myself to teach you that which I have learned as a freshman, so that you might not make the mistakes of yesteryear. Without further ado, here are the most important
Disney capsizes Jungle Cruise ship after guest pass expires – The Miscellany News
On Wednesday, Sept. 10, security officials at Florida’s biggest amusement park capsized a Disney Jungle Cruise Ship after discovering that the five hour play-pass of 11-year-old passenger Bobby Carpenter had expired. This marks the second time that a maritime affair has made national headlines ov
Vassar College to go pigeon-only; no more human students – The Miscellany News
Shock swept campus today as Vassar College announces plans to go pigeon-only, no longer admitting human students. The decision came after weeks of debate among Board of Trustees members and faculty. “It was a difficult decision, but a necessary one,” said Chair of the Board Sharon Chang ’84. “The Bo
Horoscopes 8/28 – The Miscellany News
Aries Summer was lonely, but luckily you can pretend to work for facilities, walk into any unlocked room, start bunking the beds (doesn’t matter if they want you to) and make two new friends! Taurus DON’T GO TO THE DEECE. Everyone IS looking at you and you ARE doing everything wrong and it
Can we stop with the ‘womp-womp’ thing? – The Miscellany News
I write this knowing that my protest will land on deaf ears, but as a board-certified hater, I feel compelled to speak up anyways. Please, please please: Can we stop with the “womp-womp” thing? Here is a fact: They are groundhogs. (Or woodchucks, whistle-pigs, monaxes, land beavers, etc. Wikipedi
Miss Likki is Officially Leaving the Party – The Miscellany News
And in the blink of an eye, four years passed like sand blowing through the Atacama Desert. You see, life is much like journalism. A young journalist comes into this world, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, ready to make a mark on the world with their listicles and fake news articles. They work their wa
Evil Vassar celebrates 100 years of evil arboretum – The Miscellany News
Evil Vassar College, Vassar College’s known archnemesis, has plans to celebrate the centennial anniversary of their evil arboretum. The celebration will include evil cake, evil speeches and evil tree planting (both the trees and the action of planting them will be evil). The evil cake will be flavor
Huevoscopes – The Miscellany News
Aries We as a society need to stop poaching eggs and doing freaky things to them. This week, you can do your part to end the scourge of weird, themed Benedicts by poaching something else. Perhaps tonight’s pineapple sheet cake with cream cheese frosting would poach well. I don’t know. Taurus
Debuting and immediately retiring from intramural soccer – The Miscellany News
Josie Wenner ’27, one of my many underlings on the paper, recently invited me to play intramural soccer with her electrifying team, “the Lightning,” made up of people from the Noyes house team and other sources. I was enthused: Last year, I spent a series of Wednesdays playing intramural basketball,
George Santos announces bid to be next Pope – The Miscellany News
At an impromptu press conference on Tuesday, former congressman George Santos shared the next step in his post-political career. “Today, I announce that I am running for pope. I urge the American people to write my name on the ballot come Election Day.” Santos gained notoriety in 2023 for lying abou
Shocking, irrefutable revelation of zebras’ true colors – The Miscellany News
In a press release published at 9 o’clock on April 22nd, 2,025, scientists in New York City, New York, made a shocking claim: “Our research reveals”, they wrote, “that zebras are, irrefutably & without any doubt, black with white stripes, and any college publications that might impose rigid, con
Uproot Origins – The Miscellany News
The Miscellany News, one of the oldest collegiate weeklies in the country, has been the student newspaper of Vassar College since 1866. Produced by over sixty student volunteers, The Miscellany News sets Vassar’s standard for reporting, creative thinking, exemplary writing and journalistic excellenc
Zoos end conservation programs for ‘ugly’ and ‘gross’ animals – The Miscellany News
The world of wildlife conservation was rocked late last week after a coalition of Association of Zoos and Aquariums (AZA) zoos announced an end to conservation programs for animals they deemed “ugly,” “nasty,” “creepy” or otherwise “gross.” “For too long,” said the press report, “we have wasted
Miss Likki juices up a storm – The Miscellany News
My friends and I are no strangers to the art of juice. At any given moment in our TH, our fridge will be stacked with nectars of your wildest imagination. I’m talking about Capri-Sun multipacks (with an emphasis on the undoubtedly best flavor, Pacific Cooler), Newman’s Own Orange Mango-Tango, apple
MAGA high schooler attempts coup after losing election – The Miscellany News
Ninth-grader Bobby Jones addressed a crowd of his classmates outside of Lincoln High School in rural Pennsylvania, just hours after he was informed he had come in fourth place in the race for next year’s class president. The group of students consisted of nine freshmen who all stood holding “Stop Th
Horoscopes – The Miscellany News
Aries Everyone is looking forward to hearing you sing in the shower this week. If I were you, I’d start taking requests now. Maybe invest in one of those toy plastic microphones? The louder, the better! Taurus This week, you’re going to knock over a chair in the Deece (humiliating). Probabl
A rock’s tale: A Bildungsroman in one act. – The Miscellany News
Dear Vassar, It is I, Rock. That is, a Rock. Vassar, I watched you when you were young, a small college, growing cows from the ground, drawing honey from the beehives. I have dreamed of your plans to raise goats, and your plan to turn students into more goats, and your plan to turn the goats back
Student explores drinking the Deece ice cream water – The Miscellany News
[Disclaimer: This article was written before the recent passing of Pope Francis.] A couple Thursdays ago, during the dinner rush at the Deece, I was catching a meal with all of the boys from my Stufel group. I was telling everybody this story about how I opened the door to the wrong dorm room by