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The Miscellany News - Humor & Satire - Cheezy
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Vassar College to go pigeon-only; no more human students – The Miscellany News
Shock swept campus today as Vassar College announces plans to go pigeon-only, no longer admitting human students. The decision came after weeks of debate among Board of Trustees members and faculty. “It was a difficult decision, but a necessary one,” said Chair of the Board Sharon Chang ’84. “The Bo
Disney capsizes Jungle Cruise ship after guest pass expires – The Miscellany News
On Wednesday, Sept. 10, security officials at Florida’s biggest amusement park capsized a Disney Jungle Cruise Ship after discovering that the five hour play-pass of 11-year-old passenger Bobby Carpenter had expired. This marks the second time that a maritime affair has made national headlines ov
Horoscopes 9/11 – The Miscellany News
Aries You might meet someone with the last name Burbank this week, like Truman Burbank of “The Truman Show.” Kind of a weird name in my opinion. It’s like if a bank was cold. Also, you have to duel them to the death. Sorry! Out of my hands :( Taurus Ugh, this is such a bummer thing to hav
Surviving Freshman Fall: The Definitive Guide – The Miscellany News
Rejoice, class of ’29! I, Wren Buehler, Assistant Humor Editor of The Miscellany News and aspiring advice columnist, have taken it upon myself to teach you that which I have learned as a freshman, so that you might not make the mistakes of yesteryear. Without further ado, here are the most important
Horoscopes 8/28 – The Miscellany News
Aries Summer was lonely, but luckily you can pretend to work for facilities, walk into any unlocked room, start bunking the beds (doesn’t matter if they want you to) and make two new friends! Taurus DON’T GO TO THE DEECE. Everyone IS looking at you and you ARE doing everything wrong and it
Can we stop with the ‘womp-womp’ thing? – The Miscellany News
I write this knowing that my protest will land on deaf ears, but as a board-certified hater, I feel compelled to speak up anyways. Please, please please: Can we stop with the “womp-womp” thing? Here is a fact: They are groundhogs. (Or woodchucks, whistle-pigs, monaxes, land beavers, etc. Wikipedi
Shocking, irrefutable revelation of zebras’ true colors – The Miscellany News
In a press release published at 9 o’clock on April 22nd, 2,025, scientists in New York City, New York, made a shocking claim: “Our research reveals”, they wrote, “that zebras are, irrefutably & without any doubt, black with white stripes, and any college publications that might impose rigid, con
Huevoscopes – The Miscellany News
Aries We as a society need to stop poaching eggs and doing freaky things to them. This week, you can do your part to end the scourge of weird, themed Benedicts by poaching something else. Perhaps tonight’s pineapple sheet cake with cream cheese frosting would poach well. I don’t know. Taurus
George Santos announces bid to be next Pope – The Miscellany News
At an impromptu press conference on Tuesday, former congressman George Santos shared the next step in his post-political career. “Today, I announce that I am running for pope. I urge the American people to write my name on the ballot come Election Day.” Santos gained notoriety in 2023 for lying abou
Evil Vassar celebrates 100 years of evil arboretum – The Miscellany News
Evil Vassar College, Vassar College’s known archnemesis, has plans to celebrate the centennial anniversary of their evil arboretum. The celebration will include evil cake, evil speeches and evil tree planting (both the trees and the action of planting them will be evil). The evil cake will be flavor
Uproot Origins – The Miscellany News
The Miscellany News, one of the oldest collegiate weeklies in the country, has been the student newspaper of Vassar College since 1866. Produced by over sixty student volunteers, The Miscellany News sets Vassar’s standard for reporting, creative thinking, exemplary writing and journalistic excellenc
Miss Likki is Officially Leaving the Party – The Miscellany News
And in the blink of an eye, four years passed like sand blowing through the Atacama Desert. You see, life is much like journalism. A young journalist comes into this world, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, ready to make a mark on the world with their listicles and fake news articles. They work their wa
Debuting and immediately retiring from intramural soccer – The Miscellany News
Josie Wenner ’27, one of my many underlings on the paper, recently invited me to play intramural soccer with her electrifying team, “the Lightning,” made up of people from the Noyes house team and other sources. I was enthused: Last year, I spent a series of Wednesdays playing intramural basketball,
A rock’s tale: A Bildungsroman in one act. – The Miscellany News
Dear Vassar, It is I, Rock. That is, a Rock. Vassar, I watched you when you were young, a small college, growing cows from the ground, drawing honey from the beehives. I have dreamed of your plans to raise goats, and your plan to turn students into more goats, and your plan to turn the goats back
MAGA high schooler attempts coup after losing election – The Miscellany News
Ninth-grader Bobby Jones addressed a crowd of his classmates outside of Lincoln High School in rural Pennsylvania, just hours after he was informed he had come in fourth place in the race for next year’s class president. The group of students consisted of nine freshmen who all stood holding “Stop Th
Student explores drinking the Deece ice cream water – The Miscellany News
[Disclaimer: This article was written before the recent passing of Pope Francis.] A couple Thursdays ago, during the dinner rush at the Deece, I was catching a meal with all of the boys from my Stufel group. I was telling everybody this story about how I opened the door to the wrong dorm room by
Miss Likki juices up a storm – The Miscellany News
My friends and I are no strangers to the art of juice. At any given moment in our TH, our fridge will be stacked with nectars of your wildest imagination. I’m talking about Capri-Sun multipacks (with an emphasis on the undoubtedly best flavor, Pacific Cooler), Newman’s Own Orange Mango-Tango, apple
Horoscopes – The Miscellany News
Aries Everyone is looking forward to hearing you sing in the shower this week. If I were you, I’d start taking requests now. Maybe invest in one of those toy plastic microphones? The louder, the better! Taurus This week, you’re going to knock over a chair in the Deece (humiliating). Probabl
Zoos end conservation programs for ‘ugly’ and ‘gross’ animals – The Miscellany News
The world of wildlife conservation was rocked late last week after a coalition of Association of Zoos and Aquariums (AZA) zoos announced an end to conservation programs for animals they deemed “ugly,” “nasty,” “creepy” or otherwise “gross.” “For too long,” said the press report, “we have wasted
Horoscopes – The Miscellany News
Aries When I was four years old, my mom took me to a play: a comedic farce about a man getting fired from his job. I, being four years old, thought the man was about to be incinerated live on stage. I bawled so hard my mom had to drag me out of the theater. The lesson of this story is this week
Vassar to microchip students; campus trembles in fear – The Miscellany News
Vassar College has announced plans to implant microchips in students that will zap them when they walk the wrong way in the Deece dishroom. This decision comes after years of the dining staff being “sick and tired” of the traffic and congestion in the dishroom. “I have had it up to here with you
Wild Ceramics: The Kiln Pit – The Miscellany News
The Miscellany News, one of the oldest collegiate weeklies in the country, has been the student newspaper of Vassar College since 1866. Produced by over sixty student volunteers, The Miscellany News sets Vassar’s standard for reporting, creative thinking, exemplary writing and journalistic excellenc
Evil admitted students day looms large – The Miscellany News
You all may have noticed a hoard of high school seniors descending upon campus on our snowy day last week. Admitted students day is a time honored tradition that allows the newest batch of Vassar College students to look at campus with their parents, enjoy sandwiches that the Deece has once a year a
Trump to replace Air Force One with flying Cybertruck – The Miscellany News
President Donald J. Trump announced on Wednesday that the 72-year tradition of flying top government officials on Air Force One would be coming to an end. “Today marks a tremendous day for America. The U.S. government has commissioned Tesla to make a custom flying Cybertruck that will replace th
Rowing team to become pedaling team – The Miscellany News
After a fantastic performance at their April 5 regatta, the Vassar Rowing team says they are ready for a new challenge: Pedaling. In a shocking move, Vassar Crew has decided to replace all their boats with pedal boats and become a pedaling team. “Yeah, I mean, we’ve essentially mastered rowing, a
Horoscopes – The Miscellany News
Aries Keep an eye out for people screaming that they want to kill you this week. I get the sense that they may not have your best interest at heart? Taurus Looks like you’re gonna choke on a cherry tomato this week. Better cut them up into quarters like a stupid little baby. Gemini I
Nick reviews the McDonald’s Minecraft meal – The Miscellany News
Last month, I told The Misc Editor-in-Chief Allen Hale that I was retiring from food reviews, and he didn’t take it well. But, it was a bad time, so we tabled the discussion for another time. Well, last week I got a call from him, and the tone was full of Hale’s typical placidity: “Nick, I’m losi
Dean Luis accidentally adds Misc EiC to the admin group chat – The Miscellany News
Last Sunday evening, Dean of Student Living and Wellness Luis Inoa added me to a Snapchat group chat entitled “secret Vassar admin group chat (shhhhhh omg don’t tell anybody!!!!).” I initially thought this was some sort of tricky trick against the all-powerful Editor-in-Chief (EiC) of the Misc as it
Vassar to do nothing about Noyes asbestos problem – The Miscellany News
Vassar College has announced it will do nothing about the asbestos within the walls of Noyes. The asbestos was discovered when plans were made to renovate the east side bathrooms of the dorm. Initially, the College discussed removing the asbestos but eventually decided to just leave it alone. “T
John Bradley to start ‘John-day Email’ – The Miscellany News
Most Vassar students are familiar with President Elizabeth Bradley (PB)’s famous Sunday emails, in which PB takes the time to inform her queendom on the various goings-on and goings-to-be around campus. At the end of every weekend, I, like many others, await with bated breath that exhilarating email
Quidditch team stages hostile takeover of ferry house – The Miscellany News
This Monday, a horrific act of violence took place at approximately 12:34 a.m., when Vassar Quidditch seized control of Ferry House in a shocking act of wand-waggling aggression. In a night that will go down in infamy as “The Quaffle Quagmire,” the Ferry residents and all of their various meat repla
Vassar to debut new therapy beetles – The Miscellany News
With the percentage of students reporting stress at an all-time high, Vassar College is debuting an innovative pilot program designed to provide succor and support to students struggling with general and school-related stress and anxiety. The program, which is under the auspices of the College’s
PB straight-up kidnapped by swarm of bats – The Miscellany News
In a shocking turn of events that is neither precedented nor particularly relevant to pressing current events, Vassar has had to say goodbye to the president we all love to rag on. Not because she died, though—President Bradley (PB) has just been carried away by a swarm of bats, never to be seen aga
The Miscellany News Asks: Is your dentist weird? – The Miscellany News
All week, the only question I’ve been asked is, “What did you do over break?” From professors, classmates, friends, enemies. Let’s set aside the fact that I already know what you did over break—I saw your Instagram post from Puerto Rico. Why ask the question if you don’t want the answer? “I went to
Plot Hole – The Miscellany News
The Miscellany News, one of the oldest collegiate weeklies in the country, has been the student newspaper of Vassar College since 1866. Produced by over sixty student volunteers, The Miscellany News sets Vassar’s standard for reporting, creative thinking, exemplary writing and journalistic excellenc
Headline: Horseoscopes – The Miscellany News
Aries We’ve all heard “you can take a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink.” I’m so sorry for the scourge of people trying to force you to drink. Has anyone ever thought, “Perhaps the horse has a reason not to want to drink?” Something to ponder… Taurus The stars really wante