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Crush Not Texting You Because His Feelings So Strong That They Scare Him, Finds Imaginary Study
CAMBRIDGE, MA—Lending credence to the already widespread theory about the young man you fancy, an imaginary study published Tuesday by Harvard University found that your crush wasn’t texting you back because his feelings were so powerful that they frightened him. “Our research strongly indicates that the guy who gives…
Foreign Man At Strip Club Tossing Out Totally Unknown Currency
SOUTH HACKENSACK, NJ—Baffled by the lack of recognizable flags, names, or national symbols on the paper bills, employees at Platinum Lounge confirmed Thursday that a foreign man at the club was tossing around a totally unknown currency.“I can’t identify the script or characters, and I’ve never seen any money with…
Temu Shopper Disappointed By Quality Of $1 Blender
PLYMOUTH, MI—Expressing frustration with what she sees as a widespread decline in the quality of consumer goods, area Temu shopper Chelsea Owens told reporters Wednesday she was disappointed with the merits of a blender she purchased for $1 on the discount e-commerce platform. “What the hell? The app gives it a 4.9…
Report: 92% Of Americans Want To Be Tossed Around Like Rag Doll By Swedish Logger
WASHINGTON—In what experts are calling the most comprehensive survey of the phenomenon to date, a new report published Wednesday by the Pew Research Center found that more than 9 in 10 Americans would like to be tossed around like a rag doll by a Swedish logger. “Regardless of their age, gender, or ethnicity, an…
Divided Nation Comes Together To Keep Beach Ball In Air
WICHITA FALLS, TX—Forgetting partisan battles for a moment amid laughter and shrieks of “Don’t let it bounce,” a bitterly divided U.S. populace came together Monday to keep a beach ball in the air. “As much as our differences may seem like they define us, at our core all Americans share a love of not letting this…
Environmentalists Warn U.S. Running Out Of Small Wooded Areas Where Buddies Can Smoke Up
WASHINGTON—In a sobering report on the impact of climate change and deforestation, U.S. environmentalists warned Monday that the nation was running out of small wooded areas where a group of buddies could smoke up. “Sadly, accelerating levels of industrialization have led us to a point where our nation’s stoner…
Kroger Recalls 2 Million Packs Of Lettuce They Developed Psychosexual Relationship With
CINCINNATI—Describing the deep shame but also freedom that came with finally saying it out loud, supermarket chain Kroger recalled over 2 million packs of lettuce Friday that the company had developed a psychosexual relationship with. “We apologize for the inconvenience to our loyal Kroger customers, but this morning,…
Physical Therapy Office Politely Declines Daniel Jones’ Offer Of Framed, Signed Jersey For Wall
EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—Insisting repeatedly that they just didn’t have the space, physical therapy practice Elite Recovery politely declined New York Giants quarterback Daniel Jones’ offer Friday of a framed and signed game-worn jersey for the wall. “That’s so nice of you, and we wish we could put it up, but…
Credit Card Delinquency Rates Hit 12-Year High
New data showed that the share of credit card balances that are past due reached the highest level since the Philadelphia Federal Reserve began tracking it in 2012, indicating that people are struggling to pay off their credit card debt even as many trim their spending. What do you think?
Report: 78% Of Americans Too Distracted By Politics To Appreciate The Summer Glen Powell Is Having
WASHINGTON—A new report published Tuesday by the Pew Research Center found that 78% of Americans were too distracted by politics to appreciate the summer Glen Powell is having. “Between the attempted assassination of one party’s presidential candidate and a last-minute replacement of the other, more than three…
Study Finds 14% Of College Freshmen Contract HPV By End Of Campus Tour
BALTIMORE—Aiming to raise awareness of the sexually transmitted disease, a new study published Tuesday by the University of Maryland School of Medicine revealed that nearly 14% of college freshmen will contract human papillomavirus by the end of their campus tour. “New data shows a staggering number of incoming…
Vet Has Bad News For French Bulldog Hoping To Have Natural Birth
SAUSALITO, CA—Stressing that she had done everything in her power to avoid medical intervention, local vet Dr. Anita Kaiser, DMV reportedly told a French bulldog Tuesday that she had bad news about her natural birth. “While I know it can be hard for dogs of your breed to hear, unfortunately, centuries of inbreeding…
Beachgoer In Japan Rescued After Being Swept 50 Miles Out To Sea
A woman who was swept 50 miles out into the Pacific Ocean while swimming with an inflatable swim ring was rescued after 37 hours, with authorities reporting she was likely taken by a current and pushed by strong winds in her inner tube. What do you think?
IRS Collects $1 Billion In Back Taxes From Wealthy Americans
Following a series of initiatives the IRS launched last year to pursue extremely wealthy tax evaders with a focus on individuals with more than $1 million in income and over $250,000 in debt, the organization announced that it has successfully collected $1 billion in back taxes. What do you think?
God Forced To Shave Head After Contracting Plague Of Lice
THE HEAVENS—Saying He had no choice but to target the painful, itching sensation directly at the source, God Almighty, Creator of the Universe, was reportedly forced to shave his head Thursday after contracting a biblical plague of lice. “Yesterday, a misdirected divine commandment resulted in all the dust of the…
Study Finds Increased Cognitive Function Linked To Being Released From Headlock
ITHACA, NY—In a new study published Wednesday that offers fresh insight into the relationship between brain activity and the classic restraining maneuver, scientists at Cornell University’s Department of Neurobiology and Behavior found increased cognitive function is linked to being released from a headlock. “Subjects…
Archaeologists Find Marble Statue Of Ancient God In A Sewer
Bulgarian archaeologists excavating an ancient Roman sewer stumbled upon a 6.8-foot-tall marble statue of the Greek god Hermes, which they believe was intentionally placed there in 388 A.D. and covered with dirt, causing it to be remarkably well preserved. What do you think?
Caitlin Clark Supplements Rookie Salary By Taking Adjunct Professor Of Basketball Job
INDIANAPOLIS—Saying she figured she could do course prep while traveling to away games on the team bus, WNBA star Caitlin Clark told reporters she had begun supplementing her rookie salary this week with a second job as an adjunct professor of basketball. “I’m teaching a freshman-level Intro to Basketball Studies…
Pros And Cons Of Granting Trump Presidential Immunity
The Supreme Court recently made it more difficult to prosecute Donald Trump in his election interference case, ruling 6-3 along ideological lines to grant him partial immunity from criminal charges. The Onion explores the pros and cons of bolstering Trump’s presidential power by making any “core” constitutional act…
Coked-Up Nation Loves This Fucking Guy
LOS ANGELES—Emphasizing that he was exactly who you wanted in your corner when shit hit the fan, the coked-up nation announced Thursday that they love this fucking guy. “This guy? This guy right here? Quality fucking human being,” said 32-year-old Beverly Hills resident Greg Hanson, echoing the sentiment of 340…