CHICAGO—Nimbly maneuvering his larger-than-average body through inconceivably small spaces between vehicles, a beefy boy on an electric scooter was spotted Friday weaving through traffic like a graceful gazelle. According to sources, the hefty young man was somehow able to zoom on his scooter at over 10 mph while…

The Onion

24.11.2023

7-Year-Old Seems To Be Internalizing And Suppressing Emotions About Divorce Surprisingly Well

PORTLAND, ME—Praising the child for the maturity he had shown in coping with such a difficult life event, sources confirmed Friday that 7-year-old Bryce Sanders seemed to be internalizing and suppressing his emotions about his parents’ divorce surprisingly well. “Obviously, I was worried Bryce might have a rough…

The Onion

24.11.2023

Study Finds Ya Either Got It Or Ya Don’t

LOS ANGELES—In a new paper published Friday in The Journal Of Razzle Dazzle, researchers at Tinseltown University have presented the results of an in-depth study that found either ya got it or ya don’t. “Listen here, doll—ya either got it, or ya don’t got it, and that’s all there is to it,” said Jack Stanton, a…

The Onion

24.11.2023

Baby At Age Where It Can Be Left On Floor

CORPUS CHRISTI, TX—Going about their usual activities while the infant lay on his back in the middle of the living room carpet, local parents Dan and Heather Franklin confirmed Friday that their baby was at the age where it could totally just be left on the floor. “Noah isn’t mobile yet, so it’s fine—you can just plop…

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Cheezy

Beefy Boy On Electric Scooter Weaves Through Traffic Like Graceful Gazelle

7-Year-Old Seems To Be Internalizing And Suppressing Emotions About Divorce Surprisingly Well

Study Finds Ya Either Got It Or Ya Don’t

Baby At Age Where It Can Be Left On Floor

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