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You Know What's Too Late .... - lesliefischman.com

If voices arent real and self-harm is some kind of repeated pattern of a joke or my inability to deal with emotions, or hurt, or insult, then so be it, then Im not clearly winning, and its too late to share my story or be of influence past the point of being hurt. I now know what hurt is or what provokes me to quit sobriety or drink and quit writing, its hurt. Whether I should or should not have experience with hurt, it’s a clear lesson on what the feeling of it being too late means or how it is recognized to people living, or dying, sick, surviving, normal, at peace, able to handle life and all of lifes changes, news, humor, lawsuits, diagnoses, or conflict and controversy. It’s clear that once Im hurt, whether the result of something I have said or done is viewed from a psychology standpoint as being my fault. Its clear that quitting sobriety after years sober, forces me to give up who I am and start over at each relapse, not only losing trust, friendships, attendance to meetings or court for that matter, but makes it more likely that I will not be responded to that’s hurt, whether occurring in private or by a public demonstration that others can follow and check prior to meeting with you or knowing you, at some point the experience of “hurt” is supposed to teach you whats too late, and secondly you have to figure out whats causing that hurt, without blaming others, or require the necessity of a diagnosis to label you to protect others at your expense or give you something to deal with in a positive way with a chance of being viewed negatively that you have to represent to the best of your ability, and Im sure as a consequence of complaining or my health being changed is a result of my disclosures or what Ive recognized those make or break issues or decisions to determine whether I recognize my wellness, or should be punished as someone who loses wellness or love for that matter and continue to place blame on me for incurring a sickness deemed by own fault or seek a pattern by photos to be witnessed demonstrating wellness or improvement, and then loss of wellness, as though at any age we have unlimited capability of recovering or fixing our lives. What Ive learned about AA is that it represents admission to a problem that you have with a substance which can represent any number of things or qualities about you, isn’t the problem with a book or relateability im sure whats recommended is what works for the majority of people no matter what kind of distress, disalusionament, disability they are experiencing, and Im sure that my disability and my life was viewed as someone who can simply recover by getting to a point of apology or admission of hurting self or others to the credit of a substance alcohol or use of medication, and Im sure being punished has made it too late for me to be the person that I coudlve have been, and made the right choice to relapse and not self-harm, or go to ER if I self-harmed or talk to the police, to get help, it’s clear that those sudden downs are imagined as temporary, not recognizing me as being a human being, strong, or a positive representation of others, and believe that’s a source of hurt, and whats too late, to teach me as though I have to be hurt to recognize what Ive done wrong or I need to drink in order to recognize what Ive done wrong, or change my right to live life again and connect with people again and spend time with family, be valued as earned or getting to talk to friends again, and its not my preference or those against me, to suffer conditions of hurt, or be hurt to make me see or represent or test for compassion or care in regards to other people’s lives and their capacity to be hurt or reasons for ending their lives or committing suicide. Im sure that even if Im not loved, Im not lying, Im not violent, I don’t own weapons, Im strong to stay alive, Im defensive in a way that anyone who is believed to be a side against me is the side that is taken and supported and sometimes you get hurt in a way that no one recognizes who you are or cares who your family is or connections in life, or ability to relive life, and that’s a certain happiness or wellness that if people do not think you deserve believe that they can take away from you or punish you as though you have not experience death, dying, disability, suicide, or self-harm long enough to be actually be the person online that you are in real life, and be hurt and still be innocent. The lesson on being hurt is to accuse or test for who is hurt when I am hurt, furthermore to use private conversations or life experiences and losses, including job losses, to test to see who I am when I am hurt, therefore it no longer matters by what terms everyone has to earn respect and trust by its clear that I am not apart of what is viewed to be famous or having experience dealing with feelings or thoughts or fears concerning being known, or not so well that I need to be hurt to be careful or to do things better, I need adderrall and I need time to rest, and while it may never be too late to reach a point when everyone is okay except you, that’s the lesson on health COVID being the daughter to a Doctor and disclosing you know OJ, who your best friend is growing up, who you’ve dated, who’ve you reconnected with, with constant comparison to my life skills or potential left in me, suddenly decide to test my audiences ability to articulate who has the talent or ability or promise to be selected and ruin those qualities about me based on prior job applications, in the end what has hurt me, is not so much what I am later saying wrong and too late to correct all the things Ive said used with preference that I get sick and hit my head or waste time discussing voices, with no appreciation for my time effort and energy or difficulty to discuss the experience and without empathy for how I was treated, makes it unclear not only how well I am, but how sick I was, and Im not willing to get sick over and over again like its some routine make fun of hospitalization, I am also not willing to be bullied, or for use of women to compare me or take love away injure me or take my job away, or Father figures, use the death of my Father or OJ or job loss to position me any better to contemplate life and think harder, I think if its offensive that Im in court, and if anyone views and communications between me or others, youre forgetting the positive, your not recognizing basic challenges in life, you fail to recognize anyone as having done anything wrong to me, which was something I identified as an issue with discussing the Ex Pen Pal in public or keeping a record of all his hate photos and threats as unnecessary and also with reflection on why calling me a pervert, to make me empathize with someone older who loves me, accuse my sexuality as being inappropriate, or destined or watching or making anything bad happen on the outside to innocent people or occur between people, is not my doing not to my credit, and not something I seek to destroy closeness nor take offense to who is highlighted as hero, versus reconsider in what ways am I made fun of as nobody or in what ways do I undergo painful treatments and many years of disability stuck in bed, saying everything right and doing my best online, suddenly view my life from the perspective or commentary of who is helping me, makes clear when I was not helped or mistreated and what that establishes in public intended to mean about me, it means not supported, and also means then my blog and people including my wellness is being used as something to take away not allow for or find offense to me stable or well, continue to witness life as it happens then accuse me of being sick to what I experience as though Im someone in close quarters or in real life or online who suddenly can tell on a person to person basis, who knows me or doesn’t know me, or why I should be insulted or look bad, isn’t my code, isn’t my doing, I think reading into photos and job types or job placements and viewing my reactions to death or changes to my own condition, only makes worse the ability to be around people, so I think time alone is correct, I can try writing instead of drinking, please accept cursing or caps lock, or whatever I sound like, seems to be the issue to no longer have private communications as those become the things that used in addition to being made fun of with a condition of voices called delusion and suddenly make fun of me realizing something way later, is another too late argument, when you don’t see me as innocent, and don’t see the good in me, when you don’t defend me, or give me the benefit of the doubt, when you use people in real life against me and then put me under deadly pressure and at odds with any reasons called “mental illness” makes clear that once you dislike one thing, nothing will ever be good enough, and once I look bad, everyone else looks better, and so one and so forth, so making the decision to never love again and stay away from people is accepting the reality of being hurt and not be accused of hurting anyone, taking adderrall lets me know that Im not sober and not considered sober and by facility not allowed to take stimulants and also in addition self-harm disclosed and relapses disclose means Im not sober, but never accuse me of not doing my best and sticking to honesty or prevention, I think the more there is a preference for making me look grose or causing weight gain in the end it shouldn’t matter what my face looks like whether Im beautiful or not, all that matters is that I continued to be hurt, harmed, until I feel like dying or committing suicide, and for every death in the news, without saying to me or recognizing what I represent or having success during COVID, suddenly decide that allowing a diagnosis to hurt me, or punishing me for being dropped as a patient, or complaining is some big deal, you know the fact that honesty is viewed as threat is clear I don’t care how pathetic you think I am or how inappropriate you think I am, all that matters is that you met me, were disgusted with me, everyone took your side, and your making me look fat and ugly and mentally ill, so harp less on emails or what you consider being hurt or not a big deal or expecting more from me, not caused me suicide making fun of my body or speaking to things governed by him Ex Pen Pal or me, suddenly decide that Im not alive or living and handling life well, and try to kill me using lawsuits and previous medical care like a game about love, or wrongful death, shootings, marriage, money etc, the more you take from me, and the more you hurt my heart, the less it will matter to try for things in life, to just reject me or treat me as grose ugly or unwanted, so its not my love that’s inappropriate judge, its allowing me to be myself, and stop injuring me for not being an Attorney, or ending relationships making fun of my friendship with Sydney or call my business and my websites a has been, I know Im not dying, I reserve the right to speak to any death or loss for as long as I live until the matter is settled and I refuse to rely on anyone, or any support, male female, or political to tell me or tell others whats okay or whats not okay, or continue to be abused or misused as though I should be hurt or bring something upon myself, let alone death. Whats too late is SCOTUS believed in me and whether you recognize I was of influence remember their lives, or compare mine, its become more and more clear that you don’t recognize my worth or care if Im alive and Im sure you are blaming me and can only image all the ways that a DA or previous lawsuit was used to injure me again or make fun of what voices self harm is, and make fun of going to the hospital is clear that my health is a joke. Therefore stop prosecuting me or my condition using terms or blaming me, not talking to anyone and blogging is making sure not one is hurt or gives up, if its everyone against me in life, its not everyone relying on me, views my point of view, cares if Im loved or have friends, its clear no one cares what my story is, no one cares about OJ, no one cares about me, and no one cares what my analysis or timeline is in regards to Trump Post-Assassination, therefore Im going to do my best to stay away from everyone, live life take life seriously, you can forgive yourselves if you were hurt, that’s your blessing you get to live life and be loved, and accept that I refuse to live life, or to resume a normal life until I attend therapy and AA and in my own time figure out whats wrong with me, or what Im thinking wrong, instead or being so open about make or break it wellness issues. Its clear that my wellness gets taken away, and I get sued, and Im not allowed to be loved, no one cares about my heart condition, no one cares if I die, that’s not selfish, and no one cares or knows when to stop calling me names or make fun of my medical history is not some fascinating historical record that you can just print and pass around use as legal excuse, for all I know this judge doesn’t acre if Im alive, doesn’t care about my diagnosis, needs a few documents I know what I have to do and the fact that I can complete simple tasks is ABOUT GUILT, BEING FROZEN, AND COMPETENCY, its about using people against me, its about killing me and not caring and its about all the names and issues you seek to highlight using me then call issues stated as my guilts, those aren’t my guilts, and my innocence is not their right to ruin my life I don’t care if your Ellen Degeneres and sued for something sought to sue me for too, I don’t care if you make fun of self harm or suicide or love or relationship timelines, its clear not discussing in public names and losses or to trash my blog or timelines or written posts, has turned into some later becoming that is not existing, a solution or a clearer picture is when it can be prevented, when you are trying to prosecute me for death you try to insult me cause me to leave and make fun of me using someone else’s suicide “Twitch” or now Fandango including celebrity losses against me calling me delusional not recognizing who I am by title or experience and prosecuting me for those losses, without regard for the loss of my Dad or OJ, means one things “to take it to court” and I refuse to be in court or to ho0ld conversations private or keep anything of value used to draw unwanted attentions to my family including what I post here, my family is not for observance, what they say or what I say or what others say is not for observance, and to stop experimenting with my views in relation to whats actually happening, and suddenly expect me to change to turn my words around or hold me responsible for anything bad happening, shouldn’t be based on using my mental health as a joke, if you cant respect all the women chosen over me, and how that makes me feel, then you shouldn’t care that I will never love anyone again for the rest of my life, based on the fun sport of watching me accusing me, changing me, punishing me, comparing me, then accuse me of being jealous, or not able to handle a joke or minor insult, when society is done with me, then can do so themselves but that’s not my job to give up or broadcast treatments to tell everyone to be done with me, or let people know where Im at or what Ive done wrong,. So at this point it shouldn’t matter ehat causes self harm since its been reported and do my best not to self harm and that’s my job not anyone elses job. And it is my job whether dying or alive an emergency on meds or off meds, in therapy in meetings or away from life or losing my ability to live life, is my right and my choice what to submit to court and what I think is relevant. Whats too late is to be loved or viewed as special and that’s sad that no one cares who I know, and no one cares that everyone was nice to me, no one cares how hard I worked complaint on meds, and no one can accept any diagnosis or any story and you know when its not good enough is when Im either dying, sick, or in the hospital to say I don’t exist or Im not the solution, or theres something wrong with me, and to change everything from a moment of peace when people reach a point of stopping to attack me injure me and hurt me or cause me voices, when people can be innocent and nothing is their fault is the solution to mental illness, not to continue to be vocal and treated as guilty, that’s not my job and if that’s anyones system of ending my life or ruining my life and changing everything from okay to not okay then that’s their choice, but don’t also accuse me making mistakes or harming anyone, or believing in things not real or not true, whats serious is court, and whos life was ruined was mine, and that was my mistake to love this person and Im sorry. It was my mistake to need help or have to public speak to battle issues causing me suicide, and it’s my mistake to continue to talk to anyone period, work, or love, or do anything in life, until the system has stopped in terms of hurting me until Im hurt, and seeking solution through the hurting of me, and to use the words “hurt” or mental illness as discussed privately on in public kept or deleted makes clear in what way Im intended to lose in life, and that’s not delusional to not matter, to use my 4th step, to suddenly accuse me of being underground or responsible wrongfully accuse me of being forgetful, ignore my body type or music selection, not recognize my life is in peril and I need to focus on myself being in court is difficult, and to please accept the pace of my life on a day to day basis, so long as Im being fought accept that I wont be okay until someone hurting me who thinks I deserve to be hurt feels good, and that’s the type of system you put me in as a woman and a human being, so don’t punish me for stopping or working or focusing on moving forward in life, its not any game that was forgotten or much later accuse me of insensitivity or defense or dishonesty by website or quality of postings, its clear once you start using everything to accuse me of guilt, we have reached a point of no solution, so Im doing my best, I think the truth in prevention, is not about taking my wellness away and instantly treat me as guilty, or hurting me in compliance to everyone elses feelings, Im not accusing anyone of hurting me and I look bad compared to everyone, so I didn’t hurt anyone who helped me, Im being treated as guilty and made fun of, and maybe that’s the sport in seeing where I end up or what or who I am is keeping me out of jail or maintaining my innocence, maybe that’s the uncertainty, is dealing me hurt or addiction or loss of love or friendship and making my life unhospitable for me to thrive in my own shoes, to accuse me of someone not thriving who meets me suddenly exposed to someone calling me offensive is not the team whos losing the disappointment in the room or someone not kneeled on or shot by website without empathy for a criminal kneeled on doesn’t make it any more relevant who I am including world war, all that matters is that I know who I am, so while I may be late to discuss something more clearly, and since my statements have already been used against me to punish me and not have sympathy or empathy for the few people in my life who matters, whats important is what happens to people who are not responsible for the hurt and to not justify a causing of a condition by hurting me accuse me of establishing tenant and also being clear and not abusing a system of working hard intended for things to get better, decide that me being sick or dying or hurt or near suicide is a win, In don’t have time to keep track of everyone doing well and viewing me as a joke, all I have to do is stop talking to this person and people in general until everyone gets what they want, and you don’t have to ignore me or accuse me of not being strong or make fun of my public speaking, no matter where I am Im doing my best and if I cant figure out how to prevent voices, don’t accuse me of not doing things in public battling suicide in public and make fun of how long it took me to battle and recover with feeling suicidal post hate website, its clear I go through that whats not clear are all the ways I should hurt or suffer accuse me of knowingly doing something wrong, or accuse me of not being deserving of jobs is a fight that I cant dictate or required to keep track of which goals detested where I should end up, how much money I make, etc, its clear when to push is for ending terms, its to fulfill all the definitions of insult so be it. I did my best. With sensitivity please respect my efforts online, instead of punishing as responsible is not fair to me or my family or anyone I know, and is not how to solve crime, by imprisoning me, or making fun of being kneeled or hooking up with George Nelson, suddenly decide that Im not worht the game or a name change accuse me of being an influence prosecuting me for possessing a quality you accuse me of having a bad seed that subjects someone in belief of me to harm. #GeorgeFlyod and trash thrown in front of my work 2022, is “grassroots” effort, and Im assuming that prosecution without disclosing every arguments that Ive put forward is not correct or just and is not right or approrpriate and if the diagnosis cant be changed Im never talking to anyone for the rest of my life or loving anyone is the solution, and the Judge can figure out who’s lying or at fault, that’s not my job to make anyone look bad, everyone got what they wanted were mean to me threatened me and scared me to death and I don’t wish to live life that way and reserve every right to fight back and that makes me a woman, feminine, strong, and able to represent myself, not racist, that’s you not caring about me, and taking everyone away from me, caring about everyone except me, is how I was hurt.